RBS given 390 million hours of community service

THE Royal Bank of Scotland has been ordered undertake 390 million hours of community service as punishment for its part in the Libor scandal.

The bank initially planned to assign all the additional work to just one member of staff. Donna Sheridan, a junior clerk from Ongar, was told to clean up graffiti and pick litter for the next 44,000 years.

However following concerns about Sheridan’s life span the bank will now spread the unpaid labour across all its branches. Local RBS outlets will be taking in washing, walking dogs and befriending lonely pensioners.

The Bexhill branch has been turned into a crèche, but parent Stephen Malley is not impressed: “They’ll only take children in groups of five, ten or twenty.”

“If I want them to take my daughter I’ve got to find nine other one year olds and deposit them as a group.”

Another parent, Carolyn Ryan complained: “Any child dropped off after 3.30pm isn’t looked after until the following day.”

A more popular service has been ‘community self expression’, which allows members of the public to scream abuse into their bank manager’s face for up to fifty minutes at a time.

When asked why the bank didn’t opt to fulfil its community obligations by lending money and supporting local businesses, an RBS spokesman said: “Are you on drugs?”



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Government ditches plan to educate people

THE government has scrapped plans to educate people aged between five and 22.

Education secretary Michael Gove said teaching children was too complicated and taxpayers’ money would be better spent putting pictures on things.

But Mr Gove said that the abolition of education means that GCSEs will continue.

He added: “The modern GCSE is a proven method of not-educating. Teachers need the couldn’t-give-a-shit structure of the GCSE system to ensure that no-one learns anything important.”

The GCSE will be reformed to ensure that the level of a child’s non-education will remain a secret until they actually sit an end-of-year exam.

Mr Gove said: “With continuous assessment you run the risk of discovering that a child may be learning something and that is just a bureaucratic nightmare.”

The National Union of Teachers said it would support the move as long as it meant that its members did not have to learn anything new.

A spokesman added: “We need to find a way of abolishing education that takes the hassle out of being a teacher.”