MOST adults are to be reclassified as children due to their total lack of financial or emotional independence.
The Office for National Statistics believes most adults no longer resemble adults, lacking a house, car, stable relationship or the ability to operate a lawnmower.
A spokesman said: Without their parents to pay their rent and explain ready meal instructions to them, the vast majority of adults would die.
Many are not in long-term relationships, and so parents also have to provide emotional support when their 43-year-old son or daughter splits up with some twice-divorced middle manager.
“One explanation is that the difficulty of getting on the property ladder and decline in marriage have delayed the onset of adulthood for many people. Alternately, they may just be useless twats.
“Thats certainly what my dad called me yesterday when I asked to borrow some money for driving lessons.
Parent Donna Sheridan said: Were getting a bit tired of supporting our son financially. It wasnt so bad when it was just Star Wars figures and ice creams, but now hes 46 and wants an index-linked pension.
I wouldn’t mind, but hes just not as cute as he used to be.
Office worker Tom Booker, 39, said: No-one in their 30s likes being dependent on their parents. But how else are you meant to get your clothes clean? Keep flushing them in the toilet?
“Anyway I’ve achieved my main goal in life, which was to keep wearing Nike Air Max trainers into middle age.”