At last, we can fix the economy, say Tory MPs

TORY MPs last night said they could now get on and fix the economy as they would no longer be distracted by gay marriage.

The backbenchers have already unveiled a series of policies including giving mortgages to people who cannot afford them, getting banks to continually sell those mortgages to each other and giving tax breaks to Britain’s payment protection insurance industry.

The Bank of England also expressed its relief. A spokesman said: “Our economists have been completely paralysed by this issue. Whenever we asked them how to fix the economy they just looked at us blankly and said ‘more gayness?'”

Meanwhile, the Society of Gay Entrepreneurs said its members could now get back to creating jobs after being distracted by Tory opposition to gay marriage.

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Gay couples win right to quote 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin'

BRITAIN’S gay couples have taken another step towards being able to quote that bit from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin about volcanoes.

MPs backed the Equal Mandolin bill paving the way for gay people to have their own nauseatingly self-indulgent ceremonies that will cost their friends hundreds of pounds to attend.

Lib Dem backbencher Jane Thomson said: “Gay weddings are the same as straight weddings. Fucking dreadful. Why should the friends and family of gay people be protected from nine hours of unremitting discomfort?”

Labour MP Tom Logan said: “The love I have for my partner is equal to any form of love that is like a volcano that has roots.

“And we should have the same right to watch our guests glaze over as one of our friends from university reads out a thing about breathless eruptions. But does it in a rather showy way in a pathetic attempt to steal some of the limelight.”

Meanwhile, more than 130 Tory MPs opposed the bill insisting that Captain Corelli’s Mandolin or that thing from the bible about love could only be quoted at the wedding of a man and a woman whose friend used Captain Corelli’s Mandolin at her wedding.

Sir Roger Gale said: “The Mandolin is a sacred rite that is passed from generation to generation. It is not for us to redefine the meaning of the volcano. It is not for us to decide what is and is not ‘temporary madness’.

“It is and always has been a matter for”