Britain finds its flaky-pastry breaking point

BRITAIN was celebrating yesterday after discovering something it actually gives a toss about.

Despite NHS reform, rising unemployment and The Voice-BGT schism, the nation’s anger has finally congealed over the price of hoof-filled pastry parcels.

As the Cornish Defence League threatened to firebomb Greggs and millions of people fretted over their next portion of minced roadkill badger, David Cameron, the prime minister of the United Kingdom, stood in a public street and declared that some of his best friends were pasties.

He said: “We play football together on Thursday nights and then we go for a beer and talk about the Big Society.”

Chancellor George Osborne also confirmed his love of the kind of food that is destroying the National Health Service by forcing eight jumbo sasuage rolls into his mouth at the same time, even though it was perfectly obvious that he was crying.

And Labour leader Ed Miliband continued his 12-step weirdness-reduction programme by taking his massive, googly eyes to a Greggs in Redditch where staff immediately threw the contents of the bin at Ed Balls in a determined effort to kill him.

Mr Miliband then attempted to shake hands with a cheese and onion slice.

Meanwhile, the government has produced a public information film, to be shown before and after prole-heavy TV shows, featuring lingering shots of a steak bake as Patrick Stewart delivers a series of explicit threats about what will happen to it if you keep complaining.


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ll admit that my taste in fashion is rather risqué, and I do like to flatter my curves in a leather mini skirt and peep-hole bra. But the other women in the nursing home are obviously jealous because they’re all talking about me behind my back and yesterday, Dolly said I should wear something more appropriate to play bridge because my nipples are distracting everyone. Should I listen to them or are they just wishing they could look as good at 95?

Dear Ethel,
Don’t believe everything grown ups say to you, because they think they know everything but actually they don’t. For example, do you know that one of the people who wants to be President of America is a merman? A real, live merman!! And all this time my parents were saying there’s no such thing. Walt Disney knew differently, of course. Apparently, if you’re a merman, not only do you get to live in the sea and lie about on rocks all day, you can also marry as many mermaids as you like. But sometimes they get bored of having conversations with molluscs and want to live on land for a while. So they put on a suit and ruck sack and knock on a few people’s doors to tell them how much they love Jesus and also to stop overfishing the ocean. You can tell a merman in disguise because they live in Utah, study scripture and have a massive fishy tail instead of legs.
Hope that helps!