Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Few takers this week as you promise to attend regional council meetings for local businessmen in return for a Big Mac meal.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Life is short and we have one shot at happiness so just ignore the doubters and the haters who say that romance between a man and a piece of electrical equipment can never last.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Following a lot of groundswell community work, lobbying the local authority and winning sponsorship from businesses, you manage to convert that patch of wasteground into a thriving green space with excellent facilities which makes it a beautiful place to work for the local drug dealers who take it over 15 minutes later.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s not a good sign that your blind date tells you to ‘just follow the smell’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Good news this week after suffering 40 years of communism under Castro when a guy in a big hat you’ve never met before turns up and tells you you’re going to hell for being fond of cock.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over. Not until you return all my DVDs and pay back the three grand you owe me, anyway.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Look out for the first signs of somebody having a stroke – facial paralysis, arm immobility, slurred speech and frantically trying to remember if they mentioned you in their will.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A tense time for you when you reluctantly reveal to your new boss that your Facebook password is “ismokecrackatwork”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can honestly say that you’ve forgotten what it was like to wake up with a hangover, especially since you started taking sips of your supermarket-branded vodka-like drink in your sleep.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
I think we’re alone now, there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. So you drop your trousers, I’ll oil up my hands and we can do this thing.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After a busy day protesting outside an abortion clinic, why not relax at home with a nice warm bath? And remember, down the vein, not across.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three ti…sorry, you needed my bank details, didn’t you?



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People who prayed for Muamba not being jailed

NONE of the the people who think the baby Jesus mends broken boo-boos are in prison.

As a student was jailed for racist tweets directed at a Bolton Wanderers heart attack victim, the grand total of feeble-minded cretins sentenced to 56 days remained at zero.

Jane Thompson, who used Twitter to urge her dense, mawkish friends to pray for Fabrice Muamba, was yesterday making a nice cup of tea and settling down to watch Grey’s Anatomy instead of being stripped searched and given directions to the communal showers.

She said: “I knew that if me and my friends prayed hard enough the baby Jesus would look out his Big Holy Gospel of Myocardial Infarctions and mend Fabrice’s beautiful heart for ever.”

At that point the police did not burst through her door and pin her to the wall, grabbing her arms roughly and applying handcuffs in a way that would really hurt.

She added: “I’m not sorry I did it and I would do it again. Hopefully for a snooker player who has prostate cancer.”

Thompson then spent the night in her pink and beige bedroom instead of cowering in the corner of a damp cell as menacing voices in the dark threatened to cut her up a treat.

Meanwhile, Thompson’s friend Alice Kennedy said her Facebook page ‘Pray4Muamba’s Hurty Boo-Boo’ had attracted 57,214 followers and not a single complaint to the police.

She said: “My parents are not remotely ashamed of me. In fact they are very proud that I can persuade Princess Diana to ask Jesus to fix a footballer.”