Britain is broken, declares man whose bus is nine minutes late

A MAN whose bus arrived nine minutes late has declared this is further proof that the UK is a failed state.

Tom Logan, whose 176 bus was delayed due to planned roadworks and traffic lights, said the delay was symptomatic of Britain’s decline from a leading nation to a lawless state like South Sudan.

After paying for his journey almost instantly by tapping a credit card on a reader, Logan expressed his dismay to his wife on his mobile phone with fully functioning 5G reception.

He said: “Everything is utterly broken beyond repair thanks to decades of gross neglect.

“Nothing works. I’m stranded here on a cosy, heated bus with nothing to do but eat a Twix I bought effortlessly in ten seconds from a vending machine as I head to my computer-based job where IT problems are remarkably rare. 

“We’re a banana republic without the sunshine. Worse, we’re close to complete social breakdown. I had to put in a call to British Gas about the bill yesterday. You can expect to wait 30 minutes on hold for that.

“Actually it was resolved after five minutes. But it’s an indictment of the broken system that I expected a longer wait.

“I still had to be on the safe side by visiting his toilet to urinate and flush it away using a fully operational sewage system in case I was on the phone for ages.”

Anticipating complete systemic collapse, Logan has built a bunker at the bottom of his garden filled with tinned goods from shops with mostly effective supply chains.

He went on: “It collapsed due to moderate rain making the ground soggy. I blame the dysfunctional Met Office which failed to predict it.”

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C&A own-brand trainers, and other things that made you gay at school in the 90s

WERE you accused of being gay for wearing the wrong trainers while the other lads rolled around wrestling each other? You might have done these things too, you bender.

Wearing C&A own-brand trainers

Wearing shoes that deviated from what was considered cool by a bunch of hormonally-addled, neanderthal teenagers, ie. Nike Air Max 180s, was very gay. Even worse were trainers with no branding that your classmates would steal and throw on top of a bus shelter while reminding you of your preference for men’s arses.

Being good at any subject other than PE

Any school subject that didn’t involve getting sweaty with other boys then having a shower together was gay. Being top of the class was what clinical psychologists define as ‘mega-gay’. However you got decent exam results and now have a large house and attractive female partner. Which is totally gay.

Liking indie music

Did you like music that wasn’t the violent, misogynistic rap popular in the 90s? Did you enjoy Pulp’s witty lyrics or Nirvana’s angsty anthems? You were gay and so was Kurt Cobain. The only guitar band lads were allowed to like was Oasis. Even now they sometimes have a drunken weep to Wonderwall. That’s not gay though because Noel and Liam were always twatting each other with a tambourine like real men.

Being friends with girls

Hanging out with girls was extremely gay, when you could have been doing rampantly heterosexual things like wedgies and playing chase the soggy biscuit. However you did learn how to act around women and by 16 had a girlfriend, unlike your non-gay mates still having an intense sexual relationship with a crispy sock. 

Being in the school play

Being in a school play, even if you were playing someone uber-macho like Stanley Kowalski from A Streetcar Named Desire, was gayer than Julian Clary in the eyes of your male peers. What they were too thick to realise though was that you were the one boy on stage with a bunch of girls, who lusted after your sensitive nature. And even if you were genuinely gay, you didn’t have to hang out with a bunch of bellends at lunchtime.