The six photos on your phone you never want people to see

23rd November 2022

SHOWING a friend a photo on your phone? You’re probably sweating bullets they don’t swipe through and see these shameful images…

Dick pic

Every phone contains at least one photo of an erect penis. It could be yours, or it could be the unsolicited engorged member of a horny Tinder match. Either way, it always seems to be archived right next to the delightful photo of a cat your friend is currently looking at. Snatch your phone back weirdly quickly before they start swiping through.

Draft selfies

Not the relatively average ones you post on Instagram for all of two likes. No, these are the photos that didn’t make the cut due to showcasing your double chin, receding hairline or yellowy teeth. There are dozens cluttering your phone because it takes a lot of trial and error to make you look semi-decent.

Photos of your meals

Photos of meals out are embarrassing enough. But the photos on your phone aren’t even a gourmet meal, it’s a freshly microwaved Rustlers Meatless Maverick and a chicken and mushroom Pot Noodle. Was your life really so empty that day? Yes, and it still is.

Screenshots of you bitching about them

Bitching used to be ephemeral, like happiness. Thanks to WhatsApp though it’s as permanent as chiselling your words into a stone tablet. Delete them regularly or you’ll get into trouble. Written down, an instantly forgotten ‘X is talking crap’ sounds like you genuinely hate them and their opinions and wish they’d f**k off and die in a cave somewhere.

Porn

Even if you’ve deleted any porn a couple of images are bound to be lurking unnoticed, until someone segues from a picture of a pretty church in the Cotswolds you visited to hot MILF stepdaughter action. Just pray it’s not anything too weird, eg. Scooby-Doo bondage dungeon porn.

Weird, random shit

Normal people have photos of nice things like flowers and their happy family. You have photos of a dog shit you thought looked like Prince William, a keyed car you saw in town and a two pigeons shagging on a bin. Nothing outright wrong, but you might not want to let a date look at your photos while you’re in the bog.

Singers who made musical gold by spouting gibberish

23rd November 2022

NOT an expert in cryptography? Then you’ll have minimal chance of working out what these musical geniuses are on about.

David Bowie

Bowie is perhaps the best reason to experiment with hard drugs. Without massive amounts of cocaine, the world would never have been graced with his music, although we could probably have survived without Tin Machine. Cocaine also gave us Pablo Escobar, so it’s not all great.

Sample lyric: ‘He’s so simple-minded, he can’t drive his module. He bites on the neon and sleeps in a capsule.’ The Jean Genie

Cocteau Twins

The 1980s was the heyday of musical twins like the Proclaimers, the Thompson Twins and the Cocteaus, who specialised in sublime psychedelic pop. The rumour was their songs were in Esperanto. This has never been disproved, because the only people who learn Esperanto don’t have any friends and never leave the house.

Sample lyric: ‘Singed by it, pulled around of my blazening eyes on the usually science of cherry-coloured limelight not the music.’ Frou-Frou Foxes in Midsummer Fires

Bjork

Before Bjork came along with her unique brand of musical shouting, all the public knew about Iceland was that it was somewhere in the North Sea and we had a war over cod. The Icelandic government offered Bjork an island for her contribution to culture. If only the UK government would do the same with Coldplay. Ascension and Anthrax islands are going begging.

Sample lyric: ‘Every morning I walk towards the edge and throw little things off like car parts, bottles and cutlery.’ Hyperballad

Sigur Ros

Another entry from Iceland. Their songs feature an invented language called Hopelandic that sounds like Icelandic but is actually created by taking a bag of Scrabble tiles and singing everything that comes out.

Sample lyric (translated): ‘Tie my shoes so. Is she still in her pyjamas? In a dream she was born. I’m startled.’ Glosoli

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Rule number one of the music industry is to never name your band after something you can buy in Tesco. The Peppers joined The Cranberries and Salt-N-Pepa by throwing out this rulebook and making it big, despite also breaking rule number two – don’t go on stage naked apart from a sock covering your todger.

Sample lyric: ‘First-born unicorn, hardcore soft porn.’ Californication

Aurora

Norwegian singer Aurora has been building a following thanks to her soaring ethereal voice. Like Sigur Ros, she also invented her own language. Seems the options for filling the long winter nights near the Arctic Circle are pretty limited – it’s either chopping firewood, eating pickled herring or inventing languages.

Sample lyric: ‘Hun gar olessu hun gar ferilisseraena feressu.’ Forgotten Love

Christine and the Queens

The best thing to come out of France since croissants, Christine and the Queens is now known as Redcar, seemingly named after a North East UK coastal town overshadowed by massive chemical works at neighbouring Teesside. Luckily he didn’t name himself after the less romantic-sounding Seaton Sluice, just a short drive farther north.

Sample lyric: ‘I miss prosthesis and mended souls, trample over beauty while singing their thoughts.’ Tilted

The Beatles

Your nan’s favourite band started off by churning out catchy songs about love, holding hands, and not being able to buy love. But then they went off topic and produced several nautical-themed songs about octopuses, walruses and submarines – all written under the influence of a cocktail of drugs strong enough to fell a herd of elephants. It’s all Yoko’s fault.

Sample lyric: ‘Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye.’ I Am The Walrus