Seven shite Christmas rail experiences you won't have thanks to strikes

IT’S hard to find a positive in yet more rail strikes, particularly at Christmas. But if you set your expectations very low you can at least be grateful these things won’t happen to you.

Impregnable train wi-fi

You’ve put your email address in, now you’ve got access to… f**k all. And you’re not putting your debit card details in for some old episodes of Dexter. None of this will happen if you’re not on a train. Think of it as a Christmas present from Mick Lynch.

Food waste wedged in the flip-down table

Again, unrelated to Christmas, it’s just nasty disposing of someone else’s banana skin or mayo-smeared sandwich packaging. They should be tied naked to the front of the train and driven at 125mph from London to Glasgow, hopefully during a hail storm. Seems fair.

Christmas travellers

They’re going to their parents’ for a week, so naturally they’re taking the entire contents of their house. There’s probably a lawnmower in one of their suitcases blocking your way to the toilet. Also expect mobile phone admin: ‘Shall i get some stuffing? YOU’RE BREAKING UP. SHALL I GET SOME STUFFING? I SAID…’ After half an hour you’ll be aching to do some stuffing of your own. 

Peak travel coronary 

Are you a member of the Awkward Squad who wants to travel at some weird, freakish time like 9.30am? That’ll be 300 quid please. Hopefully the shock and pain spreading from your chest to your left arm will pass soon. However this Christmas you’ll be spared booking a ticket at all, and frankly wish the RMT was more militant and would strike every day unless Rishi Sunak’s head is put on a spike and society becomes a socialist utopia.

Being stranded

There are few things more dispiriting than your train abruptly stopping at Leicester, with no idea if your journey will continue. Usually a train does finally arrive, but only after you’ve scared yourself shitless worrying about not getting a hotel room and having to sleep rough with sexual predators everywhere.

No teenage girl talking solidly for three hours

This remarkable child can keep up a literally constant stream of inane chatter from Bristol to Crewe about equally witless teenage boys, eye make-up and Corrie plot developments. Such a unique ability should be investigated by scientists, preferably with dissection.

Standing up 

Cancellations mean overcrowded trains and standing for an uncomfortably long time, much like the oubliette favoured by medieval torturers. So thank you, unions and intransigent rail companies, at least this year you’ll just be stuck miserably at home where at least you can sit down so your legs don’t hurt.

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Ronaldo signs on

HAVING left Manchester United with immediate effect, the 37-year-old footballer worth £370 million has signed on, it has been confirmed.

After publicly criticising his old job and manager Erik ten Hag, Ronaldo was spotted entering his local Jobcentre Plus office with a view to pocketing some free cash while he pretends to look for employment.

He said: “All I need to do is make it through the interview without mentioning that I still play for Portugal and I’m quids in. Easy street here I come.

“If they ask why I left my last place of work I’ll just say some non-committal bullshit like it was a mutual agreement or I’m looking for new challenges. They might not give me a penny if I tell them the truth that I shat the bed in front of the world’s media.

“Once I tick all their boxes and lie about agreeing to go to potential job interviews, I can look forward to getting a cool £77 per week. I think I’ll blow the first payment on something fun like the new Pokemon games. I deserve it.

“The alternative would be to endure getting paid £500,000 a week for a job I find piss-easy. An arrangement, I think you’ll agree, that would be unbearable.”

Ronaldo has specified office/admin work in his Work Plan, so the Jobcentre has found him a vacancy feeding pig guts into a mincer at 4am or lose his benefits for five years.