Supreme Court decides Scotland isn't real

THE Supreme Court has today decided that Scotland is not a real place and is just imaginary.

The case has settled the question of whether England is obliged to continue behaving as if there is a whole country to the north of it, and heard from both sides of this long-running argument.

Court reporter Helen Archer said: “Witnesses included Nicola Sturgeon, who claims Scotland is a whole country and she is its Queen.

“But when she was asked how a whole country can have a population equivalent to the Home Counties, she claimed it was mostly empty and full of lochs and glens and Cairngorms, which is clearly nonsense.

“Visitors to Scotland admitted they’d never actually seen anything but mist, the Scottish king James VI turned out to be England’s James I, and the so-called Scottish Premiership only has two teams in it.

“For balance, we heard from Scots – speaking English, mind – claiming their country invented television, steam and Grand Theft Auto, but under cross-examination they admitted the whole population was permanently pissed and making up nonsense.

“The verdict’s finally in. Scotland is nothing but a hoax invented by Northerners to scare their children, and can be disregarded without consequence. As it already was.”

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One Iceland prawn ring and no free booze: The taxpayer's guide to organising an MP's Christmas party

GIVEN that MPs can now claim Christmas party expenses, it’s only fair that taxpayers are allowed to organise them. Here are some ideas.

No free booze

After Partygate, it’s well known to British taxpayers that MPs love a tipple at their expense. However, they don’t want to pay for their parliamentary representatives to get shitfaced while they shiver at home, so no booze will be provided. If the tight bastards have to pay for it themselves, staff will be lucky to share a bottle of Tizer.

One Iceland King Prawn Ring only

MPs get extremely nice subsidised food in the Houses of Parliament so they don’t really deserve anything extra. But their constituents aren’t entirely hard of heart, so each MP can have a single Iceland King Prawn Ring. Anyone who takes the piss and orders the Iceland Luxury Ultimate King Prawn Ring will face an immediate by-election.

Decorations must be homemade

Have you seen the price of a real Christmas tree covered in glass baubles and tasteful lights? It could probably pay a hard-up family’s energy bill for a month. MPs must either make paper chains or harvest trees from their own estates. Jacob Rees-Mogg could start a lucrative festive sideline. He wouldn’t give an impoverished employee a turkey though, like Scrooge. He’d probably suggest roasting Tiny Tim.

Any broken photocopiers must be paid for

From Matt Hancock feeling up his new girlfriend in his office to Neil Parrish watching porn in the Commons, politics seems to get MPs strangely horny. Any damage incurred while shagging on photocopiers will be paid for by MPs, and images of their arse will be published in The Sun. But only if they’re Labour or Lib Dem.

MPs must provide their own drugs

An office Christmas party is often enlivened by a bit of illicit drug taking in the toilets, but MPs will not be allowed to claim their coke on expenses. Instead they will be directed to Michael Gove for a lecture on the perils of drugs and some suspiciously strange dancing.