Britain still thinks petitions aren't completely ignored

PEOPLE across the UK are continuing to sign petitions as if they make any difference to anyone.

More than 800,000 have signed a petition demanding that Jeremy Clarkson no longer be subject to the rule of law in wilful ignorance of the fact that no attention will be paid to it.

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “I sign the petition, it becomes law, everyone knows it was me who did it and my name goes down in history.

“That’s how it worked when I signed that petition to end terrorism, and that’s how it’ll work today. It’s democracy.”

PC Tom Logan, who mans the gates at Downing Street, said: “We get about 10 of these a day, with demands ranging from the introduction of urban wolves to bringing back Sapphire & Steel.

“We used to pretend we were taking them inside to give to the prime minister, but lately we just get the petitioners to feed them into the shredder themselves while we take a photo of them for their local paper.

“They don’t seem to mind. I think they just like signing things.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

No, Grim Reaper told

DEATH has been told it is not allowed to take Sir Terry Pratchett until an investigation is held. 

Following the passing of the author, the final ferryman has been suspended and will be held to account by an independent body before making any further decisions that are patently wrong.

Deathologist Roy Hobbs said: “Any rational person would agree that only after the publication of another 30 Discworld books, at least two of them starring Rincewind, would it have been correct for Terry to die.

“And for this to happen only two years after the death of Iain M Banks, leaving a number of massive Culture novels unwritten, smacks of incompetence.

“At this point the Grim Reaper looks less like an implacable, unanswerable end and more like a haphazard dick on roller skates swinging his scythe about like a fat kid at a piñata.”