Britain to dig massive tunnel for no reason whatsoever

BRITAIN is to dig a tunnel through the Pennines because it was unable to come up with anything else.

The multi-billion pound tunnel will stretch across northern England and create millions of tons of spoil which, experts say, will probably just sit there in a gigantic heap, forever.

Engineer Martin Bishop said: “I suppose people could climb to the top of the heap. But why not just climb to the top of the Pennines?

“And I suppose you could always have a look down the tunnel, maybe shout something and see what sort of echo it creates. But if you’re really into echoes then there are plenty of existing tunnels, as well as caves and disused factory buildings.”

The government stressed the tunnel would make it a bit quicker to travel from Manchester to Leeds on a train.

Bishop added: “That’s not a reason.”


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Brian Cox obviously an alien

PROFESSOR Brian Cox is an extra-terrestrial, it has emerged.

The scientist and pretend human fulfilled everyone’s suspicions by denying the existence of ETs despite extensive anecdotal evidence involving UFOs and crop circles.

Ufologist Mary Fisher said: “We use something called ‘Bowie’s Law’ to work out if a person is an alien.

“If someone is handsome in a non-masculine way, knows way too much about science and is cagey about the existence of aliens, they are essentially David Bowie in The Man Who Fell to Earth.

“Cox fulfils these criteria in spades and is therefore from space.”

Professor Cox subsequently confirmed that he hails from somewhere near Ursa Minor and that beneath the latex ‘human’ suit he looks like a small camel.

He said: “I’m really here to find out if your planet has any good natural resources that my race could plunder before enslaving you. Turns out it does, and the lightspeed battle-cruisers are now on their way.

“Sorry about that.”