Britain told to get used to horse burgers

BRITAIN should not be too fussy about eating horses, economists have warned.

As high street supermarkets attempted to sneak a little bit of horse into the British diet, experts predicted that by the end of the year you will be glad of the cheap meat.

Julian Cook, professor of budget protein at Roehampton University, said: “The British countryside is littered with tens of thousands of delicious horses.

“Once the recession really kicks in – and it will – you will find your sentimental attachment to these fat, juicy mammals falling off a cliff. If you want to call it a ‘fiscal cliff’ that would be terribly clever of you.”

He added: “The combination of unemployment, inflation and a rumbly tummy will be enough for you to push aside ruddy-faced young women in jodhpurs as you make a bee-line for their best friend.

“And when those big brown eyes gaze into your soul with the wisdom of a thousand Buddhas, just remember how much Tesco are asking for four fucking lamb chops.”

Emma Bradford, who runs a riding stable near Guildford, said: “A lot of our clients have told us that they may not be able to afford their horses for much longer and we’ve told them that poor people don’t care what they eat.

“In fact, I suspect some of the more politically aware ‘untermensch’ will probably see it as an act of revenge. And who can blame them?”



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Pubic deforestation putting groin wildlife at risk


THE destruction of thousands of acres of pubes has left once-common lice on the verge of extinction.

Experts believe 60% of the world’s pubes have been lost since the 70s, as razors and wax strips encroach on these once-verdant areas.

Dr Tom Booker said: “If we don’t act soon crabs will be lost forever.

“Not to mention all the other tiny species that once made their homes in our genital areas.”