Britain was just brilliant around the 2012 Olympics, insist idiots

CRETINS are remembering the summer of 2012, when David Cameron was prime minister and the UK was two years into austerity, as some kind of Golden Age. 

According to clueless amnesiacs the period when Britain was recovering from the financial crisis, rioting in the streets and discovering the phone-hacking scandal was a great time to be alive because of Jessica Ennis.

Tom Logan, aged 36, said: “Wow, remember that opening ceremony? Our country truly bestrode the world like a colossus. Would that those times could come again.

“Yes we were in double-dip recession, businesses were going bust, Nick Clegg existed and it pissed down all summer long, but it was incredible when Greg Rutherford won gold in the long jump.”

Nikki Hollis of Northampton agreed: “James Bond, Rowan Atkinson, David Beckham in a speedboat and the Queen jumping out of a plane. Everything should be like that permanently.

“Since then we’ve had Brexit, Corbyn, May, Adele losing her voice, my husband running off with a teaching assistant and season eight of Game of Thrones. Everything’s gone to shit.

“I’m just glad the Olympic stadium was sold off on the cheap to a football club owned by a mass-market pornographer. That’s the spirit of 2012 right there.”

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How Boris Johnson's immigration points system will work

BORIS Johnson wants to bring in an immigration points system for the UK. But how will it work? Here’s our guide: 

Being white: 100 points

Being white and old: 200 points

Being white, old, racist and a compulsive voter for centre-right parties: 500 points

Membership of ethnicity not yet assigned negative stereotype, eg Brazilian, Thai, Aleutian: 20 points

Willingness to embody harmless, non-threatening ethnic stereotype for xenophobic comedy purposes: 20 points

Willingness to wipe elderly racists’ arses: 20 points

Willingness to do any other jobs British people do not want to do: 0 points, taken as given

Attractive enough for lap-dancing: 50 points

Attractive enough for Sunday Sport: 25 points

Attractive enough for be third wife of incontinent elderly racist as above: 15 points

Family members in UK: 5 points each

Investment properties in UK: 50 points each

Russian oligarch proposing to buy and corrupt British institution for short-term gain of current government: 200 points

Arab oligarch proposing to buy and illegally finance British football club to whitewash human rights violations: 400 points

American oligarch proposing to buy British government: 800 points

Actual usefulness to UK economy: no longer a consideration