Britain's teenagers herded into their pens

IN the midst of social strife Britain’s traditions endure as today the country celebrates the Great Annual Sifting of the Teenagers.

For generations families have congregated in their local market town to watch the wondrous spectacle of mass herds of young people being driven through the streets, before being graded, separated and shaved.

This year there is once again a record number of breeders competing for the university pens, despite warnings from teenage welfare charities that there is not enough room and that thousands of youngsters will end up with sores on their rumps from constantly rubbing against each other.

Emma Bradford, from Compassion in Teenage Farming, said: “We also think it’s time to end the practice of using a red hot iron to brand their foreheads. In Denmark, for instance, they super glue a barcode onto the inner thigh.”

Tom Logan, a potato salesman from rural Lincolnshire, said the Peterborough Sifting, one of the oldest in the country, was always a great day out for the family.

“We take a picnic and after we’ve toured the pens, we’ll sit on the grass and watch a puppet show about someone who gets a B and two Cs.”

Logan’s 10 year-old son, Robert, said: “I like it when one of them gets a bit spooked and tries to run in the opposite direction and then the career guidance cowboy hits it on the head with a frying pan and ties its legs together.”

Seven year-old Emily Logan, said: “First I want to go the geek pen and make them do long division in their heads and then I want to go to the KFC pen and throw coins at them.”

Tom Logan added: “For me the best thing about the sifting is just the privilege of being able to marvel at this wonder of nature. As long as you can stand the smell.

“Two years ago a 17 year-old shat its pants right in front of me. Would you like to see the photographs?”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Power Morals

Have you looted or been tempted to? Are you stealing coffee granules or loo roll from work? Do you go on social networking sites only to check out pictures of your friend’s hot partner? If yes, then whatever the level of your crime you too are looting from the moral bank of Britain.

I’m not, by the way – sometimes I’ll source my next day’s packed lunch from a corporate buffet, but show me the buffet rules that say you can’t do that. We have to have moral guidelines before we help ourselves – if we didn’t we might start helping ourselves to more adultery or racism.

I wondered, is it the role of the self-improvement guru to guide us in these troubled times? I looked to the forefathers of the Self-Help movement for inspiration and remembered that it was Samuel Smiles who published the first self-consciously personal development-focused ‘self-help’ book – entitled Self-Help – in 1859. Its opening sentence: “Heaven helps those who help themselves.” But surely that’s what the looters did at JD Sports?

With Samuel Smiles openly encouraging robbery, I decided it must therefore be the role of the prime minister to set our moral compass, but the public clearly don’t trust Mr Cameron, which seems crazy to me. The man exudes CEO. If he would finally put me in charge of developing his celebrity fragrance, I’d call it ‘CEO for Men’ (or women that don’t mind smelling of musk, cigars and success). The guy could easily be running Asda, BP, or even Facebook.

In the past I always looked to Piers Morgan for moral guidance, but with Piers’ own moral decrepitude I may have to go back to Deborah Meaden. But, in all honesty, the only person who realistically is capable of putting the country’s moral bank back in credit is someone who has done some bad stuff, but was under the influence of drugs at the time so couldn’t totally be blamed.

He is an entrepreneur, an everyday man who managed to swim at county level, someone who has a connection with people, animals and got a B in religious education without even revising. That person is me.

So how can you improve your morals? How can you determine what’s wrong from right? What is the new, new testament for modern times according to Dr Morris O’Connor?

Your first assignment, readers, is to watch Legally Blonde.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Who Cares? The Cheap and Easy Way to a Nicer You