Englishman crosses Channel using nothing but car ferry

AN Englishman has successfully crossed the Channel to France using nothing but a car ferry.

Wayne Hayes left Dover at 9.15am on board the P&O vessel Pride of Burgundy and landed in Calais just 90 minutes later, after losing £15 on the slot machines.

He then loaded his Mercedes Vito with more than 7,000 very small bottles of gassy beer before enjoying a cheese-and-ham toastie and a glass of Muscadet. He returned to Dover at 6.15pm local time on board the Pride of Kent.

Hayes said: “You can get a return for £30 and while on board you have a choice of places to eat and drink, from the relaxed and casual family area to the more elegant and exclusive surroundings of the Club Lounge.”

Mr Hayes is expected to receive an invitation to Downing Street after the prime minister described him as ‘inspirational’.

The latest, trouble-free crossing is in marked contrast to recent disastrous foreign attempts to make the crossing, including a Frenchman in a bucket and a Spaniard on a horse.

Last week two Chinese men had to be rescued by coastguards after attempting the 24-mile journey on a bamboo raft powered solely by ping-pong.

And the Hungarian daredevil Lazlo Pinsky is missing, feared drowned, after attempting the Portsmouth to Cherbourg crossing on an ironing board pulled along by trained nurse sharks. 

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New dictionary reflects Britain's love affair with sexual deviancy

TERMS including ‘frogging’, ‘donkey handbag’ and ‘eine Kane schaften’ have all been included in the new edition of the Chambers English Dictionary.

‘Frettle’ also makes its first appearance, along with fashionable sex terms such as ‘sping’, ‘nonge’ and – following its repeated use on Blue Peter – ‘flapjack’. 

Crotchless bananas, spanner tassles, vibrating Swaffhams and shaved wongs are also included for the first time, as is ‘going the full Huw Edwards’.

Editor Denys Finch-Hatton said: “These new words reflect the way our lives are changing and becoming more exhausting and repellent.

“The first edition did not even contain ‘intercourse’, while ‘quim’ was only included in 1992 and even then only to bulk out the Q section. Now we have kitty, minge, muff, snapper, snatch, trim, twat and kebab.”

He added: “Have you nothing better to do than think up new ways of handling each other’s parts? Why not read a book for once? A real one, not this one.” 

Britain’s newest sexual phrases:

Frogging: Engaging in public sex acts near a pond.

Frettle: To pleasure oneself while slumped in front of daytime television watching the GoDaddy advert aimed at entrepreneurs like you. 

Eine Kleine Kane Schaften: To spend a pleasant, though often surprising, afternoon with German ladies.

Eine Grossen Kane-Leverkusen Schaften: Simliar to the ‘kleine’ only much bigger and harder.