Britons only able to let go emotionally when barmaid breaks a glass

BRITONS are only able to express their true emotional state when a pub worker drops a tray of glasses, it has been confirmed.

Drinkers at a London Wetherspoon roared with a weird mixture of joy, hilarity and pent-up aggression when barmaid Emma Bradford dropped a tray of 13 pint glasses.

Drinker Roy Hobbs said: “The whole room had been sat in near-silence, just men and women hunched over pints with the occasional hacking cough or clack of a domino.

“But at the sound of breaking glass everyone went apeshit. There were people on chairs waving their hats and cheering the broken glass.

“After about three seconds it all went silent again, as if nothing had happened.”

He added: “When my first child was born I barely made a sound, but there’s something about the sound of a shattering pint glass that just resonates in my soul.

“Weirdly though it only works in the pub. I’ve tried dropping glasses at home, it’s not remotely fun and  you have to sweep it up.”

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Scientists unlock the secrets of cat swearing

CATS have a complex system of cat swear words, researchers have discovered.

The Institute for Studies revealed that the sounds made by cats are actually a sophisticated language that consists almost entirely of swearing.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Much as cat owners have always suspected, when their pet meows he is talking to them, saying things like ‘bollocks’, ‘wank’ and ‘fuck this’.

“This proves that they are surprisingly intelligent, but still not that intelligent.”

A guide to cat swearing

Short meow that sounds like ‘mow’ – Give me my fucking tea. Now.

Purring – General sweary moaning e.g. “It’s nice to be inside, away from that bastard wanker grey tomcat who’s always acting like fucking Charlie big potatoes in the garden.”

Hissing – Fuuuuuck. That’s my paw you idiot.

Long deep meow – I’m a cat, I can climb trees and eat pigeons and shit, how do you like those fucking apples?