Britons only attracted to themselves

INCREASINGLY narcissistic Britons only want to have sex with themselves, it has emerged.

New research has revealed people in the UK are having less sex, primarily because no other humans are awesome enough.

31-year-old Tom Booker said: “When I’m not posting pictures of me on social media, I’m admiring my well-proportioned silhouette as reflected the screen of my phone.

“I am some hot shit and I cannot stop thinking about me and wanting me.

“Other people don’t really know what I like in bed, and they tend to go on about themselves afterwards.”

Marketing consultant Nikki Hollis said: “I broke up with myself for a bit, but I found I kept comparing my boyfriends to me.

“One day my partner caught me looking at old pictures of myself and went mental.

“Now I’m back in a solo partnership and it feels good, even if sometimes I suspect I really hate me.”

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Women who don't like sex looking for new heartthrob

WOMEN with no interest in copulation are bereft following the marriage of their dream man George Clooney.

Susan Traherne of Blackpool said: “In the golden age of Hollywood, where sex on screen was outlawed, women without time for nonsense were spoilt for choice.

“George was the last of a dying breed who it seemed would rather discuss classic cars than actually do it.

“I always dreamed that we would marry and live in a big house, sharing a large bedroom with two single beds.

“I would lie there at night watching telly and eating biscuits, totally unmolested, while George lay on his bed reading scripts and sipping some Horlicks.

“Then we would turn out the lights and go to straight to sleep.”

Clooney’s wife Amal Alamuddin has confirmed that their marriage was consummated with a steamy kiss in front of an open fire, then a fade out, after which it was the morning and she was in bed still wearing all her underwear.