Britons urged to go out and kill snow

AS snow continues to fall, Britons are being encouraged to take up arms against it.

With forecasters predicting more of the wearisome white flakes, experts have warned that Britain’s snow population is out of control.

Across the South West, civilians are forming ‘snow death squads’, using baseball bats, guns and knives to kill the snow.

Meteorologist Roy Hobbs said: “If we let the snow continue to multiply it will push out Britain’s indigenous weather.”

“Wherever you see snow, stamp on it or hit it with a cricket bat.

“Even just a single snowflake, or to use the correct term ‘a snow’ must be destroyed.

“‘See a snow, kill a snow’ is our motto and your civic duty.”

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “The best way to kill a snow is to stab it in the heart, right in the middle of the tiny, near-invisible symmetrical pattern.

“This is going to take quite a long time.”

He added: “I tried firing my air gun into the sky but that only seemed to make it angry.”



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Bad-tempered people 'may just be pissed off'

PEOPLE who seemed ill-tempered, stressed or otherwise miserable may be legitimately pissed off, it has been claimed.

So-called ‘grouchy’ people have retaliated against new claims linking moodiness with hormone imbalance.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Being short-tempered isn’t necessarily a mental illness or a sign that you aren’t eating enough bananas or getting sufficient sunlight or some fucking thing.

“In fact it’s most likely to be simple cause and effect, the cause usually being ‘other buggers’.

“Or it could be just a fleeting expression of genuine emotion in an otherwise entirely fake corporate world.

“Life doesn’t have to be one big ray of pretend sunshine. Oh wait, apparently it does.”

Sales co-ordinator Emma Bradford said: “Stop asking me if I’m ‘alright’.

“Of course I’m not alright, I have to spend my adult life doing a job I hate.

“I accept that as a necessary evil but I’m not going to feign interest in the lasagne you’re having for dinner because that would be humiliating.”