Builders actually intellectual ponces when you're not around

BUILDERS’ blokey behaviour is put on to disguise their pretentious cultural interests, it has emerged.

When other people are not around they drop the facade and passionately discuss their true interests, such as ballet, the works of Mahler and avant-garde theatre.

Brickie Roy Hobbs said: “People expect certain behaviour from builders, so for the sake of business we tend to be a bit shouty and laddish.

“But when homeowners aren’t around we enjoy erudite badinage about the subjects that truly make our hearts sing, such as the new Verdi at the Royal Opera House.

“I hear that to miss Richard Eyre’s La Traviata would be simply criminal.

“When people see me calling Lee a wanker for supporting Villa, they don’t realise we really want to get back to discussing the modernist play we’re co-writing in the style of Beckett.”

Homeowner Mary Fisher said: “I was sure I could hear someone in the back garden arguing that Fellini was the true genius and Truffaut was ‘merely a third-rate technician’.

“But when I looked out all I could see was the builders working on our extension laughing about tits.”

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Couple's holiday photos are a filthy rotten lie

A COUPLE who posted hundreds of idyllic holiday photos on Facebook actually had a horrific week of blazing rows and food poisoning.

Tom and Kate Logan’s fortnight in Jamaica was mainly spent arguing about their incredibly shit hotel, getting on each other’s nerves and throwing up, none of which is reflected in their holiday snaps.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “It’s all bollocks. At one point Kate texted to say Tom is a massive cock and they should get divorced, then up pops a picture of them drinking cocktails with massive smiles on their faces.

“I know for a fact they had the shits for three days on the trot and they weren’t speaking for ages because Tom got totally shitfaced one night with some other Brits in a bar with strippers.

“There are about 50 pictures of amazing beaches, but strangely none of the huge, diseased rat they found in their wardrobe.”

However the Logans denied they had misrepresented their holiday in a feeble attempt to show off on Facebook.

Kate said: “Our holiday was perfect in every way, and you can’t prove otherwise.”