Builders disappointingly competent

COMPETENT builders have left their middle-class employers unable to complain extensively to friends.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I’m desperate to tell everyone I know about our expensive building work, but the efficient and businesslike approach of the workmen has left me without a sly context for doing so.

“I’ve been trying to convince them to knock the wrong wall down, but they’re not having it, they keep saying it’ll make the house collapse.

“How can they be so stupid as to totally not get it?”

“They turn up every day on time and put in a full day of hard manual labour with only sporadic tea breaks. Probably they’ll even finish it on time.

“I hate them so much it makes my hands hurt.”

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Celtic awards bullshit goals to fictional player

CELTIC has invented a fictional hero to take credit for the three goals it never scored.

The club was awarded a completely made-up 3-0 Champions League qualifying victory over Legia Warsaw after the Polish team accidentally fielded an invincible football robot for two minutes of injury time.

Now the Glasgow club has honoured the achievement by awarding the goals to the fictional attacking midfielder, Declan Sanchez.

A club spokesman said: “Declan is a working class boy from Galway whose grandfather was an Argentinian human rights activist and a close friend of Che Guevara.

“Declan joined Celtic at the age of seven after being spotted by Kenny Dalglish, adopted by Charlie Nicholas and trained by Henrik Larsson. When he is not creating and scoring magnificent goals he writes poetry about imperialist oppression.

“And he has the voice of an angel.”