Builders must whistle at men too

LECHEROUS builders who wolf-whistle at women must now behave similarly towards men.

Following concerns about men on scaffolding who express admiration via the medium of whistling or shouting, new legislation has been introduced to make them divide their attention between the sexes.

Builders must wear electronic ‘lechometers’ to ensure they are not discriminating in their sexually suggestive behaviour.

36-year-old builder Roy Hobbs said: “For every woman I perv at, I have to behave similarly towards a man or I get an electric shock to the groin.

“At first it felt weird yelling ‘get your cock out’ or ‘nice arms’ but there are actually some quite good-looking men out there.

“Not that I’m gay or anything, but there is one local shop worker who looks like Lewis Hamilton and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a garden hose pipe fight with him, and then dry off together under a big white fluffy towel.

“Or to run through a forest together holding hands and then lying exhausted in each others’ arms in a patch of late-spring sunlight.

“Of course I’m mainly into birds though. Cor, get your tits, and so forth.”

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UK just wants normal telly back

ORDINARY Britons have demanded politicians stop being on the television.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that ‘return of normal telly’ was top priority for 74 per cent of potential voters, ahead of a stronger economy and safeguarding the NHS.

Office manager Nikki Hollis said: “When I turn on the television in the evening I want to see a medical drama, chefs or something sad but uplifting about vets.

“Instead it’s people in suits looking at graphs, or some ’ordinary family’ describing their confusion about who to vote for.

“If any party promises to wrap this up early so we can have our entertainment back, they’ve got my vote.”

Plumber Tom Booker said: “I get enough debates over who’s going to empty the dishwasher, so I’m damned if I want to listen to David Cameron and the other ones niggling at each other.

“Politicians are ruining this country by making everyone turn to Netflix for their entertainment. Families used to stare at a big screen together but now everyone’s on their own laptop or tablet, it’s sad really.”