Buildings with more than eight books to become universities

CHANGES to the higher education system will turn the majority of British homes into a degree-granting university, it has been confirmed.

In a bid to ensure that every person in the country will have spent three years talking piss over a cup of dicked-about-with coffee by 2020, the education department have allowed anyone who can name more than two Ben Elton novels to set up a humanities department.

Carlisle taxi driver, Martin Bishop, said: “I got a letter yesterday telling me that due to the stack of Haynes car manuals I’ve got in the cludgie, I’m now a University of Engineering and I can charge nine grand a year to let some teenager shit in it.

“I’m hoping to offer a broader range of subjects by next year and hopefully the pile of grot mags in the upstairs dung chamber will allow me to branch out into figurative arts education.”

The scheme replaces earlier government plans to simply grant every newborn child a 2:2 in the subject of their parents’ choosing and have it added to the birth certificate.

However, there are still plans to increase the number of older graduates by including a basic history degree paper in the quiz page of Take A Break.

Roy Hobbs, the newly-appointed dean of Kath’s Café and Institute of Microbiology, said: “We’re hoping to make university more accessible to people who previously found them intimidatingly associated with being able to hold more than half a dozen facts in your head simultaneously.

“Our syllabus takes a more holistic approach to microbiology, moving away from the focus on unicellular organisms and pathogenic microbes and looking more at whether people want beans or tomatoes.”



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Bad money thing make new scary time

BAD money thing make world have big new scary time, clever men say now.

Noisy room where shirty men swap zeroes have frowny day as lazy bones in sunny places say no money now and be sad.

And wide place with shouty fat people also have no money and all say nice brown man in big house is rubbish now.

Clever men say new scary time not that new, just new bit of spend-money-no-have big-scary-bad-thing.

But very big scary thing is clever men say not know how to make nice happy money time.

Fancy clever man with big proper job say: “Not know. Oh dear. Not know. You know? Tell please.”

He say only six people have happy money time now and you and me be poor stinkies who live in dirty box near choo-choo house.

Fancy clever man then go back to bed and pull blanket over frowny face.

But stupid nobody man who no have fancy proper job say all must make good shiny thing.

He say: “Swap shiny thing for happy money to buy more good shiny thing.

“All happy smile when every place make good shiny thing. Even shouty fats and lazy bones.

“Then every day be happy money swap time. Hurray! Hurray!

“Right now fucked though.”