CHANGES to the higher education system will turn the majority of British homes into a degree-granting university, it has been confirmed.
In a bid to ensure that every person in the country will have spent three years talking piss over a cup of dicked-about-with coffee by 2020, the education department have allowed anyone who can name more than two Ben Elton novels to set up a humanities department.
Carlisle taxi driver, Martin Bishop, said: “I got a letter yesterday telling me that due to the stack of Haynes car manuals I’ve got in the cludgie, I’m now a University of Engineering and I can charge nine grand a year to let some teenager shit in it.
“I’m hoping to offer a broader range of subjects by next year and hopefully the pile of grot mags in the upstairs dung chamber will allow me to branch out into figurative arts education.”
The scheme replaces earlier government plans to simply grant every newborn child a 2:2 in the subject of their parents’ choosing and have it added to the birth certificate.
However, there are still plans to increase the number of older graduates by including a basic history degree paper in the quiz page of Take A Break.
Roy Hobbs, the newly-appointed dean of Kath’s Café and Institute of Microbiology, said: “We’re hoping to make university more accessible to people who previously found them intimidatingly associated with being able to hold more than half a dozen facts in your head simultaneously.
“Our syllabus takes a more holistic approach to microbiology, moving away from the focus on unicellular organisms and pathogenic microbes and looking more at whether people want beans or tomatoes.”