Buy my kids slime and I cut you, mum warns everyone

A MOTHER of three has warned everyone that if they even think about buying her children slime for Christmas she will cut them with a blade. 

Susan Traherne has included the note in her annual round-robin email to family, which includes details of the children’s achievements at school, holiday photos and a threat to slice them up like a back-alley pimp.

It reads: “And now to Christmas! Obviously I don’t want anyone to go mad, the kids already have too much. Books are always welcome, they both like cuddly toys and if you get them slime I will slit your mouth from ear to ear.

“I don’t care if it’s magnetic or glows in the dark, I don’t care if it’s got glitter in and it’s called unicorn poop, if they get one single pot of slime then no plastic surgeon will ever repair the damage I will do to you.

“We have carpets, in this house. We have curtains. We have lovely clothes. Your so-called ‘fun’ purchase of slime is akin to inviting a farmer to drive in here with his manure-spreader going full blast.

“I will turn your face into a jigsaw. I will play noughts-and-crosses on it. You will never look in a mirror again, when I’ve finished, for fear of what you will see.

“Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone has a lovely time.”