Buy my kids slime and I cut you, mum warns everyone

A MOTHER of three has warned everyone that if they even think about buying her children slime for Christmas she will cut them with a blade. 

Susan Traherne has included the note in her annual round-robin email to family, which includes details of the children’s achievements at school, holiday photos and a threat to slice them up like a back-alley pimp.

It reads: “And now to Christmas! Obviously I don’t want anyone to go mad, the kids already have too much. Books are always welcome, they both like cuddly toys and if you get them slime I will slit your mouth from ear to ear.

“I don’t care if it’s magnetic or glows in the dark, I don’t care if it’s got glitter in and it’s called unicorn poop, if they get one single pot of slime then no plastic surgeon will ever repair the damage I will do to you.

“We have carpets, in this house. We have curtains. We have lovely clothes. Your so-called ‘fun’ purchase of slime is akin to inviting a farmer to drive in here with his manure-spreader going full blast.

“I will turn your face into a jigsaw. I will play noughts-and-crosses on it. You will never look in a mirror again, when I’ve finished, for fear of what you will see.

“Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone has a lovely time.”

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Baby spends entire day hatching evil plan to f**k up bedtime

A BABY will spend eight hours deciding how he will make bedtime a complete and utter shit show.

One-year-old David Hollis aims to put his plan into action the minute his parents put him down in his cot.

He said: “I am going to start with some simple sleep refusal, followed by losing my shit every time they try to leave the room.

“Then I’ll do this neat little trick where I feign drowsiness but when they lie me down, I unleash merry hell!

“Next, I’ll throw in few gratuitous Screams For No Apparent Reason and two or three large shits.

“Finally, just as they are Googling ‘can you sell babies on Ebay’ I’ll hit them with a few cute smiles to make them feel guilty.

“Then more shits.”