To tell you what I want for Christmas would be a defeat, says girlfriend

A WOMAN has admitted that simply telling her boyfriend what she might like for Christmas would be an unconscionable failure.

Helen Archer, aged 25, has refused to even identify areas or categories which Tom Booker could usefully direct his attention toward, because she should not need to because he should know.

She continued: “This is meant to be a relationship. And he’s meant to have been paying attention.

“I’ve been dropping hints from as long ago as January. All he needs to do is think back. The clues are all there.

“Though obviously my main present needs to be a surprise, but something so perfectly chosen that it’s exactly what I wanted even though I didn’t know I wanted it. And that’s not hard either.

“If he fails this test then I don’t know if it’s meant to be. All I want is to be delighted to my very core and to know that he really knows the real me deep down inside. Honestly, that’s all.”

Archer added: “Him? Something off his Amazon wish list.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best, declares sociopath

A SOCIOPATH has confirmed that if you cannot handle her at her worst then you do not deserve her at her best, for some reason.

Nikki Hollis made the declaration to ex-boyfriend Martin Bishop after the two split up, which was caused by her always being at her worst.

Hollis said: “Sure, I can be hard to handle, but if Martin can’t deal with regular screaming rows then he doesn’t deserve me when I’m not drunkenly ringing him at 3am to call him a prick.

“I may have done the odd challenging thing like going through his stuff looking for evidence of a nonexistent affair, but I’ve done some lovely sweet things too, like buying him a bag of pasta last year.”

However Bishop said: “What Nikki doesn’t seem to realise is that her being at her best is just her not being at her worst. Although not getting your car keyed is nice.

“I do miss her, or maybe it’s just not having to constantly deal with mad shit like her investing all her savings in Bitcoins or getting really furious about the way I chop carrots.”

Hollis added: “It’s his loss, although he did look strangely relieved when we split up, a bit like someone who’s discovered they’re not going to prison.”

Next story ›