Buying a house was so stressful, say unbearable bastards

BECOMING a homeowner is just awful, according to the worst two people you know.

Tom Booker and Helen Archer, who you met at university and never really liked, have bought and decorated their own place and somehow think this entitles them to your sympathy.

City trader Booker said: “We spent so much time seeing houses, we barely had any energy left for our skiing holiday.

“We found a lot of mortgage brokers didn’t take us seriously because we’re so young, and getting planning permission to extend the garage was a nightmare.

“You won’t believe how much it costs to get a really fancy kitchen built from scratch. But we had our heart set on French marble, so I demanded a raise and here we are.”

Lawyer Archer said: “You’re really lucky to be in a low tax bracket and to have a sympathetic landlord. It’s so much harder having to do everything yourself because you own the property.”

The couple added that you would be horrified by how much nursery places cost, if you ever found someone prepared to start a family with you.

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'Corbyn' now a slang term for useless thing

THE word ‘Corbyn’ has become a popular idiom for something that is utterly fucking useless.

The Labour leader’s surname has replaced ‘chocolate fireguard’, ‘chocolate teapot’ and ‘tits on a boar hog’ as the go-to phrase for comically describing something devoid of function.  

Builder Roy Hobbs said: “If I ask for bricks and someone brings me tiles, I’ll call them a right fucking Corbyn.

“I bought a second-hand van recently but the bottom’s all rusted out, that’s a Corbyn too.”

An Oxford Dictionary spokesman said: “You could compare ‘a Corbyn’ to ‘an ashtray on a motorbike’, but there are some circumstances under which a motorbike ashtray might actually be quite worthwhile.”