Cameron gives UK £250 million to spend in the pub

THE government is putting £250 million behind pub bars because life in the UK has become so unbearable.

David Cameron said: “That’s roughly a grand and a half per pub to help ordinary people drown their sorrows.

“What we don’t want is a small number of people getting really fucked, so please everyone get down the pub tonight before the hardcore pissheads have used up this ‘national tab’.

“You’ll have to buy your own crisps though, we’re not made of money.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ugly estate agents blamed for weak housing market

UNATTRACTIVE estate agents are to blame for the fragility on the UK property market.

According to new research, estate agents’ physical appearances have fallen to their lowest level since the 90s, with prospective buyers reporting acne, lifeless hair and visible back fat overspill.

A spokesman for the UK Ombudsman Scheme for Estate Agents said: “A lot of the top agents looked like porn stars, and with the sex industry booming it’s small wonder they have quit for more spiritually fulfilling roles performing in webcam orgies.

“The property trade has lost its glamour, we’ve got huge parking lots full of branded Mini Coopers that are rusting and covered in vines because we can’t give them away.”

Engineer Norman Steele said “What’s happened to the sexy estate agents of the housing boom? The last guy to show us a bungalow had a false tooth made of wood.

“Another agent had clumps of hair missing and big boil on his chin that leaked when he smiled. My wife took a look at him standing on the doorstep and burst into tears.”

But estate agent Julian Cook said “It’s great that the industry is more open to less attractive people.

“With my strange-looking face, ten years ago I’d had been limited to a job on Bidup TV but now I’m smashing it in the property trade.

“You should see our lettings department though, one of them’s actually a cyclops.”