Cameron Praises Britain's Gay Subcultures

THE prime minister has praised Britain’s homosexual subcultures as ‘the best in the world’.

At a special Downing Street reception for prominent members of the gay community, David Cameron described how bears, diesel dykes, chubs and twinks were among his favourite niche homosexual groups.

He said: “As we strive for diversity, we should embrace not only those of different sexual orientations but those niche sub-groups within gay and transgender culture which have their own unique dress codes and pecadilloes.

“Take, for example, the bear and his slimmer, more boyish counterpart the otter or cub. So much more than a lingering stereotype from the days of the Police Academy films, these hirsute denim enthusiasts are tender but taciturn, also good at practical things like plumbing. They are a boon to us all.”

He added: “And let’s not forget those devotees of the BDSM scene with their leather caps, captivity scenarios and fisting. Their underground clubs bring a vibrancy to disused railway arches in the London Bridge area that would otherwise be lacking.”

However the prime minister stressed that despite his open-minded attitude he had not himself encountered homosexuality during his years within the British public school system.

He said: “That’s a complete myth. Obviously we did that thing with the Hob Nobs and another game called ‘club manwich’, and once or twice we did a vests-only Madame Butterfly for the prefects, but nothing gay.”


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Karen Matthews Breeding 'Unforeseeable', Say Social Services

NOBODY could have reasonably predicted that somebody would want to have sex with Karen Matthews, according to a new report.

Kirklees social services have been cleared of any wrongdoing in the Shannon Matthews case after the investigation laid the blame at several men who mistook the fraudulent kidnapper for a woman.

Review board member Nikki Hollis said: “Shannon’s very existence proves that there is at least 10 times more Kestrel lager in the world than previously thought.

“For most men, seeing Karen Matthews moving in next door would be their cue to ring Foxtons and start packing up their belongings immediately.

“What could not be foreseen is someone getting a sweaty dough-on at the thought of rolling around on her ash-strewn mattress.

“Sorry, I’ve just thrown up in my mouth.”

The review has recommended that social workers be trained in the threshold level of attractiveness of unemployed women before their male counterparts would prefer to simply oil up a sofa cushion instead.

Newly-qualified workers would be shown a series of photos and asked to assess how many cans of Kestrel Super would be needed before one of their clients would put down their Xbox controller and perform the traditional act of underclass foreplay by sliding off their tracksuit bottoms.

Hollis added: “It’s a sliding scale, with Leanne Battersby at the top, and Lizzie Bardsley at the bottom. We were going to throw Cerys Matthews in there as well, but we don’t want to scare people away.”