Queen To Put Balls In Her Mouth For First Time Since 1957

THE Queen is to put some balls in her mouth for the first time in more than 50 years, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

The sovereign will end her five decade moratorium at Windsor Castle tonight, during a private dinner party to mark the start of Royal Ascot.

A Palace spokesman said: “The absence of balls from the Queen’s mouth was very much a practical measure. But of course now she can take her teeth out.

“Tonight’s occasion will allow Her Majesty to fill her mouth with balls in an intimate setting surrounded by 26 of her closest friends.”

Royal historian, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “The last time the Queen put balls in her mouth was on Boxing Day at Sandringham in 1957.

“An ailing Sir Winston Churchill had joined the Royal Family for Christmas that year and was of course delighted to see the young Queen’s mouth filled with balls.”

He added: “But sadly it was to be the last time. Soon after the Queen met with the Privy Council and asked whether she could continue to fulfil her constitutional duties and put balls in her mouth on a regular basis.

“Sir Winston urged her to press ahead but ultimately it was felt that for the sake of the Commonwealth the young monarch should maintain a good set of natural teeth and so she had to accept that being Queen was simply not compatible with filling your mouth with balls every Saturday night.

“Now that her schedule is less frenetic, her teeth are gone and her mouth is a lot wider, she can finally rediscover one of the great passions of her youth.”

He added: “Despite Her Majesty’s typically admirable self-denial, she has been able to pass on a love of having balls in your mouth to her children.

“Particularly Prince Edward.”

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BP Funds New Generation Of Country And Western Music

BP is to set up an oil spill compensation fund which experts say will ultimately be used to buy country and western music and books about creationism.

The $20bn dollar fund will be used to support communities in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi, where most people believe that Charlton Heston made the world in a giant heterosexual frying pan.

The company admitted it had a responsibility to help the people affected by the disaster, but stressed that eventually someone will have to clean up the mess made by the compensation fund.

Nathan Muir, oil spill compensation analyst at Donnelly McPartlin, said: “Given the demographic spread and intellectual capacity of the likely recipients, it would seem that Barack Obama has succeeded in channelling large sums of money directly into Sarah Palin’s presidential campaign.

“And if Mrs Palin is elected she will, of course, allow oil companies to go fucking mental, meanwhile the rest of the money will be used to buy massive, stupid cars that do about four yards to the gallon.

“BP may actually have played this brilliantly.”

Corinne Whitman, a high school principal from Gulfport, Mississippi, said: “Ah is gonna spend that money on a new tooth, a hunk o’ cheese the size o’ ma head and a book about how Barbara Streisand wants to kill ma family and eat their hearts with a spoon.”

The compensation fund was also welcomed by Billy Jim McDonald, one of the new wave of singer-songwriter-pig molesters out of Chickasaw, Alabama.

“Ah sure done wanna thank the good folks at PB for givin’ money to all them people so they can done go out and buy ma compact discs.”

He added: “Ah done wrote a new song about a man who falls in love with a pig, but they can’t get married ’cause the pig don’t believe in Jesus.

“So after one last night of sweet lovin’, he kills the pig and then eats it so that they can be together for ever.

“Or at least until he has to go to the toilet.”