Diana In Heaven

I put a bag of my hair shavings on eBay this week – genuine stuff, and although I’m not saying where it came from, you can probably make an educated guess. Five days later and the top bid was 20p. Shocking.

So I pulled the auction – if that’s the best you lot can do you can fucking swivel on it. They flogged one of my scabby old dresses for almost £200k last week but a bag of freshly-trimmed Diana short and curlies doesn’t even rake in the price of a finger of Cadbury’s Fudge.

If you’d made an effort and put some serious bids in there’d be some landmine AIDS kids larking about on a new see-saw now, paid for by the proceeds of my hair sale. Sleep tight, fuckers.

Gary Coleman’s been turning up the heat as he tries to woo yours truly. He’s got himself a shopping mall security guard uniform like he used to wear on Earth and has been hanging around outside my gaff, directing the traffic and bollocking litterbugs.

It’s not all impressive stuff though – I caught him in the garden, standing on the wheelie bin to reach my washing line and wearing one of my bras like it was a pair of glasses. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he thought he’d seen an injured sparrow.

Still, I’m pretty desperate these days so I’ll probably string him along for a bit and then give him a night he’ll never get over…

Egon Ronay is here, and he got himself into a punch-up with Keith Floyd within an hour of pitching up. They were arguing over whether a Weetabix with jam on top is an acceptable starter – Floyd said yes while the new lad disagreed.

Giant Haystacks was on hand to calm them both down and couple of hours (and bottles of brandy) later, they were best mates, getting stuck into a big plate of rusks covered in squirty cream.

Follow the People’s Princess at www.twitter.com/dianainheaven


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Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
An awkward moment this week when you see your ex on the arm of somebody
who looks remarkably like you. Except he’s got hair and teeth.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You enter the European Lottery this week as it’s a rollover and clearly
anything less than £15m pounds is utterly beneath your contempt.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you will buy a tub of little cocktail sausages from M&S and realise it’s the best thing that’s happened to you since 1987. It’s okay though, they are really good.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
We need to talk. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m really sorry but I don’t think we should see each other anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just not working out for me. We were really great, in the beginning, but now, I’m just not sure. Plus you killed my gran with a bazooka.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Just remember, quoting a famous writer makes you intelligent in exactly
the same way as waving a Van Gogh print around makes you a skilled

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You can now work out – in your head – which is going to get you more pissed per pound – three litres of 7.5% White Lightning for £4 or two litres of 9% Special Brew for £5. Bet you can’t wait to rub your maths teacher’s face in it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you’re unsure whether you really love your partner or you’ve just told them a massive lie, try waiting until you’re hugging them before looking to one side with a troubled glance. Just like in Eastenders.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you will do something stupid and thoughtless that you’ve done at least five times before because you’re a moron.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’ve had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you. We did say a hundred quid an hour, didn’t we? Smashing.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You have been hiding your forbidden relationship with the sister of a Puerto Rican gang leader, but why don’t you tell the finger-clicking little ponce to do one? What’s he going to do? Dance at you?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A tense game of charades at your in-laws’ house when, during the film round, you have to act out Trailerpark Whores Go Anal. Using the dog did not help in the slightest.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you or someone you know has been affected by any of the issues raised in these horoscopes, do us a favour and piss off.