'Can we close the blinds?' asks incredibly annoying colleague

AN annoying twat in an office has asked if the blinds can be closed because he cannot see his screen. 

Martin Bishop, 41, has demanded that the outside world and the rare opportunity to see actual sunlight, which is gladdening everyone’s heart, be closed off so he can better populate a spreadsheet.

Colleague Sarah Muir said: “I get up in the dark. I go home in the dark. I can’t go out for lunch because I’ve got meetings.

“I need the sight of sunlight on trees, of birds flitting about, of busy squirrels gathering nuts for winter and that whiny little twat is taking it away from me.

“I’ve angled the blinds so there’s no sunlight on his screen at all, so his dull, bovine mind can focus on its repetitive task without the unwanted intrusion of joy, but he says it’s ‘distracting’ him. Tit.”

Muir added: “I’m senior to him but he’s in charge of printer cartridges so there’s no choice. But know this, Martin: I will hate you until the end of my days.”

Bishop said: “Has she got her headphones on now? Tell her to take them off. It’s rude.”

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Trump to play saxophone for first time at Presidential inauguration

PRESIDENT-ELECT Donald Trump will play a saxophone set at his January inauguration despite never having played it before.

Trump has commissioned a gold-plated tenor sax on which he plans to perform songs including Careless Whisper and Baker Street. 

He said: “It’s going to be so great. I’m going to blow hard, really hard. I’m going to run my fingers up and down the keys so fast you won’t believe it.

“I’m going to make jazz great again, trust me. I’m closing with Pursuance from John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme, for the blacks.

“The blacks will love me good after they hear this. They’ll take me as one of their own. You watch the blacks dance when they hear this.”

Trump dismissed warnings that playing the saxophone is not something a person can reasonably expect to excel at without practice, adding: “I’m a businessman. I can make anything work. I’ll make that saxophone sound the best.”

The president-elect is expected to make increasingly bombastic promises about his performance over the next two months before arriving at the inauguration without a saxophone and never mentioning it again.