Scouts f**king up your shopping for money

SCOUTS are at supermarket tills asking for a charity donation to crush your groceries. 

The scouts, who are aged 11 to 14 and could not care less, are demanding a mere pound to pack your shopping so badly that its value has been reduced by a third before you have even paid for it.

Carolyn Ryan of Stafford said: “Want Whoops! quality without paying Whoops! prices? Get the Scouts in.

“They’ll pack tins of beans on top of lettuce on top of milk on top of cream cakes, pulverising everything and finishing it off with a precariously perched bottle of wine that slips out and shatters on the car park.

“Those kids earned every penny of the £23.61 they cost me. Even my bag for life is dead.”

Scout Stephen Malley, aged 13, said: “You think this is fun for us? We have to do it to earn our anti-capitalism badge.”

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Chelsea supporters to retire Gerrard chant in 2019

FANS of Chelsea have announced they will retire a song mocking Steven Gerrard at the end of the 2018-19 season.

They admit their Gerrard chant, related to a 2014 error by the Liverpool player that did not help Chelsea in any material way, is beginning to show its age but if used sparingly can still do a job.

Chelsea fan Julian Cook said: “Sometimes I’ll be singing ‘Steve Gerrard, Gerrard, he slipped on his fucking arse’ in an away game and I’ll feel aches that were never there when we sung it before.

“It’s certainly lost some pace in the third line, because it takes a moment to remember who Demba Ba was, but it’s as intelligent as ever.”

The song, sung to the melody of Que Sera Sera, burst into football in April 2014 shortly after the Liverpool player’s inspiring slip that lost his club the league.

It has remained a loyal one-club song, refusing a £42 million offer from eventual 2014 league winners Manchester City, and has frequently carried an otherwise patchy repertoire by performing well regardless of opponents.

Cook added: “Steven Gerrard falling over is the best incident-turned-into-a-song of my lifetime.

“I’m tearing up at the thought of it going. It’s everything heroism means, to me.”