Cat 'f**king livid' after human managed to walk up behind it

A CAT is incandescent with rage after his finely-honed hunting instincts failed to detect a man walking up behind him.

Black cat Tom Logan was caught off guard by a member of the public during the long, watchful stalking of a pigeon on the road where he lives.

He said: “I was staring intently at a front garden, scanning for prey, but was so focused I had no idea some sneaky six-foot bastard had crept right up behind me.

“It was well out of order. I’m an apex predator with deadly hunting skills – basically a tiger but on a less ostentatious scale – and this guy made me look a right fucking muppet.

“How he managed it I don’t know, my highly-tuned senses give me virtual 360 degree vision. He was dressed in a suit, but he has to be some kind of ninja.”

Logan was vague about how many kills his hunting abilities had resulted in, but said it was ‘loads’ and that mice are ‘a lot harder to take down than you’d think’.

Logan’s owner Donna Sheridan said: “Aw, did something frighten you? Was it that nasty Jack Russell across the road? Come to mummy for a cuddle.”

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Google to pay £2bn fine by blackmailing you about your search history

GOOGLE has unveiled plans to pay its £2bn EU fine by blackmailing you about all the weird and/or dirty things you look up on the internet every single day.

The search giant is to extort £10 from a selected 200m European users – especially perverts like you – in order to keep your utter filth a secret between you and them.

A spokesman said: “At 8.48pm last night a Mr ‘JD’ from West London searched, for the 18th time this month, for images of goats in traditional Welsh dress. Ten quid and it will remain ‘your thing’.

“Meanwhile, on Tuesday night at 11.38pm a Ms ‘DB’ from Swindon searched for a ‘plumber’ available at ‘very short notice’. £10 is the equivalent of the bottle and a half of Pinot Grigio you drank before opening your laptop and beginning your ‘quest’.”

Google also plans to raise further funds by searching Gmail correspondence for incriminating phrases including ‘I’ll bring the Nutella’ and ‘thank you for your donation to the Conservative Party’.