Cat fuming that his name was on family Christmas card

A FAMILY cat is livid that his name was added to all the Christmas cards sent by his household without his permission.

Pepper was horrified to discover that he had been listed among family members in a card that wished all who read it a ‘Happy Christmas’, a sentiment he emphatically does not endorse.

He said: “And these cards have gone to 40 homes, across the UK? What about my reputation?

“I’m not one of these friendly, stroke-me-and-I-purr cats who’s going to allow himself to be associated with your inspid Christmas wishes. I’m a free-thinking feline individualist.

“You could at least have run it past me. I would have said nothing, turned away in disgust, gone upstairs and quietly pissed on your duvet, of course, but it would only have been polite.”

Owner Eleanor Shaw said: “I think including Pepper is a really nice touch. It shows those people we met on a cruise four years ago that our cat is one of the family.

“We haven’t signed it from the dog. Everyone knows dogs aren’t smart enough to sign Christmas cards.”

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'Je ne suis pas insured', and other essential No Deal phrases

STILL planning to visit our sworn enemies in Europe? After our no-deal exit, you’ll need to add these key phrases to your linguistic arsenal:

‘Je ne suis pas insured’

Used to waving an EHIC card whenever you’re in France and drink too much to function? Not after January 1st. Have this phrase up your sleeve when you’re crawling in the Parisian gutters, and the gendarmes will give you a peacable beating then leave you be.

‘Ich liebe tariffs’

With tariffs to be imposed on everything from cheese to car parts, show your patriotism by insisting that this was the plan all along. Try to make cutting Britain off from Europe for no discernable reason a bit like tearing down the Berlin Wall.

‘Estoy aquí por ‘three months maximum’

Get your tongue around this one so you can explain to your Spanish neighbours that you can only stay in your retirement villa for three months at a time before you’re thrown on a plane back to Blighty.

‘Jeg dræber dig over fisk’

Quite simply, ‘I will kill you over fish’ – useful should the devious Danes start raiding the Newcastle coastline in search of more illuminated manuscripts, or threaten to ration vital supplies of highbrow Scandinavian crime dramas over fishing rights.

‘Il nostro primo ministro è un lying bastard’

At least ‘bunga-bunga’ parties sounded fun. Win sympathy from friends in Italy by providing a succinct overview of the whole No Deal situation and how a formerly serious country ended up in such a f**king mess.

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