THE cat that sits in the window of the house opposite to you all day is peering disapprovingly into the murkiest recesses of your soul, it has been confirmed.
Joseph Turner, who lives in Cresswell Drive, Reading, spends every day enduring the unblinking gaze of a tortoiseshell cat who knows that deep down he is a failure, a liar and a perverted disgrace to society.
He said: “It sits. It stares. And it judges.
“Rationally, I know it’s a cat. It could just be looking for a mouse or a laser pointer it can stalk and doesn’t care about me in the slightest.
“In truth, though, this cat knows all my secrets. It knows my CV is full of lies. It knows my toilet breaks are extended just to kill time till five o’clock.
“This cat knows that when I am staring into the middle distance I’m remembering one of the times I got drunk and said or did something very, very bad indeed.
“The cat knows. Ask it. It will blink once, slowly, to say ‘Oh, yes.’”