Cat watching from window knows your deepest, darkest secrets

THE cat that sits in the window of the house opposite to you all day is peering disapprovingly into the murkiest recesses of your soul, it has been confirmed.

Joseph Turner, who lives in Cresswell Drive, Reading, spends every day enduring the unblinking gaze of a tortoiseshell cat who knows that deep down he is a failure, a liar and a perverted disgrace to society.

He said: “It sits. It stares. And it judges.

“Rationally, I know it’s a cat. It could just be looking for a mouse or a laser pointer it can stalk and doesn’t care about me in the slightest.

“In truth, though, this cat knows all my secrets. It knows my CV is full of lies. It knows my toilet breaks are extended just to kill time till five o’clock.

“This cat knows that when I am staring into the middle distance I’m remembering one of the times I got drunk and said or did something very, very bad indeed.

“The cat knows. Ask it. It will blink once, slowly, to say ‘Oh, yes.’”

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Boyfriend recovering after tampon buying expedition

A MAN is making a good recovery after buying tampons for his girlfriend.

27-year-old Andrew Greening had to face his fears when girlfriend Melanie Harrison asked him to ‘pop to the shops’ for her.

Greening said: “When Mel unexpectedly got her period, I was scared but it was also an opportunity to show her what an enlightened guy I am. So I went all the way to Tesco, like a total hero.

“It took me a while to find the tampons, as they weren’t in the nappy aisle as I’d expected. When I found them, I immediately wished I hadn’t. Nobody told me there were so many different types of tampons. It’s a trap.”

He added: “Was I meant to get her Super Plus to show her I think she’s awesome? Or would she think I think she has a giant hoo-ha?

“What, in the name of god, are those drop thingies? Are they tears? Was I meant to choose one according to how sad she’s feeling?

“And what’s an ‘anti slip grip’? Would she think I’m a cheapskate if I didn’t get it for her? The whole thing was a minefield. Ultimately I made a random choice which in itself was an extraordinary effort.”

Harrison added: “Yeah, he’s like Indiana Jones.”