Catholic schools launch 'eurgh, benders' petition

PUPILS at Catholic schools are being encouraged to sign a petition against being a total bumpilot.

The Vatican is hoping to use the average teenager’s natural fear of being called gaymocentric to increase signatures on their petition opposing a law which will allow adults to be happy.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols said: “Teachers will tell pupils that any pen that hasn’t signed the gay marriage petition is a gay pen. And we all know who uses gay pens, don’t we?

“After that, it’s a matter of personal conscience how the teachers proceed, but my own view is that they should ask the pupil if they’re currently using their dirty homo pen to write a love poem to Alan Carr’s testicles.

“This method will only work on male pupils, but the girls will just know their place and do as they’re told.”

Any pupil refusing to sign will be ignored by staff, on the grounds that they cannot understand them because they do not speak ‘Poovish’.

The pupils will also be excluded from after-school activities until they hand in their Gay Card.

Staff at Catholic junior schools will take a more sensitive approach by telling the children that bad people want to kill their mummy and replace her with a big hairy man who hates the Baby Jesus.

Nichols added: “This is a very serious issue – shut up, it is – and I think we should be applauded for not getting all Inquisition-y about it. Yet.”


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One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

A double-duchess bee sting manoevre may sound like the kind of thing you only hear as part of civil partnership vows but in fact this is how our royals choose to spend our money these days.

Sacrificial bees, oily cougars from Shropshire and bundles of soiled towels are all part of Kate’s life now she’s married royalty.

The Duchess of Cambridge has been indulging in bee venom face plumping treatment since before her wedding, after a recommendation from the Duchess of Cornwall. To my mind, such face lubing grope fests are only okay if your name has the words Kardashian or Weston in it. Anyone else is basically a depraved creep who puts their own face plumpness before our needs.

When I imagine what goes on at Clarence House it makes me sick. A team of swarthy assistants dim the lights, crank up the Orinoco Flow and a woman wearing Karen Millen jodhpurs lathers up Kate’s chin with her knuckles. Someone sneezes and the next minute she’s elbow deep in Camilla’s greased cleavage. It’s like something out a JLS video.

A real princess is beautiful on the inside. That is the moral of The Princess and the Pea and of Princess Diana, famous for her many colonic irrigations. I really thought that if I could have an inside as beautiful as Lady Di’s then I would be a queen one day too. Like her, I was wrong. I spent £80 on being invaded by a busty Ukranian and what must have been over ten miles of rubber tubing. All I came away with was a latex allergy and a ziplock bag containg five crayons, a conker and a 41mm tungsten alloy dart bearing the unmistakable initials of Eric Bristow, which, mercifully, I was later able to sell on E Bay for £35 and reimburse some of the wasted cash.

It’s about time Kate stopped prancing around thinking she was better than me. Sure, she has lovely brown legs and X Factor hair but no number of angry bees are going to change her silly mouth, which looks like streaky bacon stretched around a Rubik’s Cube.

If Kate really wants to serve the British people, she should spend the money we give her on bettering her brain. Perhaps if she spent less time in Bacchinalian touch up sessions with Camilla, she could learn some valuable new skills like coin tricks or handstands. Marks my words, Kate, this is the only way you’re ever going to truly impress the Obamas.