PUPILS at Catholic schools are being encouraged to sign a petition against being a total bumpilot.
The Vatican is hoping to use the average teenager’s natural fear of being called gaymocentric to increase signatures on their petition opposing a law which will allow adults to be happy.
Archbishop Vincent Nichols said: “Teachers will tell pupils that any pen that hasn’t signed the gay marriage petition is a gay pen. And we all know who uses gay pens, don’t we?
“After that, it’s a matter of personal conscience how the teachers proceed, but my own view is that they should ask the pupil if they’re currently using their dirty homo pen to write a love poem to Alan Carr’s testicles.
“This method will only work on male pupils, but the girls will just know their place and do as they’re told.”
Any pupil refusing to sign will be ignored by staff, on the grounds that they cannot understand them because they do not speak ‘Poovish’.
The pupils will also be excluded from after-school activities until they hand in their Gay Card.
Staff at Catholic junior schools will take a more sensitive approach by telling the children that bad people want to kill their mummy and replace her with a big hairy man who hates the Baby Jesus.
Nichols added: “This is a very serious issue – shut up, it is – and I think we should be applauded for not getting all Inquisition-y about it. Yet.”