Charities told to stop being a bit weird

CHARITIES have been told to start being likeable again.

Falling charity donations have been linked to questionable executive pay, an obsession with direct debits and pretending all the stuff in their shops is antique.

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “Despite what my local charity shop thinks, a James Last record is not worth a fiver.

“I like the idea of helping good causes but stopped going in charity shops when they stopped being interesting heaps of bric-a-bric and became shit versions of normal shops.

“And as much as I hate it, I’ve developed a certain resentment towards underprivileged children, as I associate them with clipboard-wielding dreadlocks owners who bang on my door during teatime.

“Don’t even get me started about those Australian people who stop you in the street and pester you until you become a person you don’t want to be.

“Actually I am slightly shocked to realise charities are getting on my tits. Am I a bad person?

“I would happily chuck a pound note into a bucket in exchange for a poor quality sticker, like in the old days.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know how much the people running charities are getting paid but they seem to be making a dogs’ breakfast of it.

“I used to go to charity shops because I am poor and they sold cheap things – which is a form of charity when you think about it.

“But for their information, a two-year-old dress from Primark is not ‘vintage’. And no I don’t want to buy a muesli bar, they’re vile.”

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Holiday readers prepare for annual Martina Cole ordeal

THE UK’s once-a-year book readers are preparing to read about tough-talking East End crime families.

Martina Cole’s novels about people who live outside the law facing heartbreaking decisions about love and loyalty are being flown all over the world, as grudging afterthoughts stuffed into hand luggage.

Donna Sheridan of Harrogate said: “I like how her novels are always about a girl who marries a smooth-talking criminal who turns out to be a wife-beater and then finds herself attracted to his rough-and-ready brother.

“By keeping description to a minimum and making the plotlines insultingly obvious, Cole makes it easier for me to close my eyes and imagine it as an ITV drama starring Martine McCutcheon and the unshaven bloke from Corrie.”

Cole’s work will join books by Dan Brown and various permutations of JK Rowling to be read by swimming pools and on beaches by people who hate the written word.

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “When people ask my favourite books, I always say To Kill A Mockingbird, Lord of the Flies and Moonfleet, all of which I’ve only read because they made us at school.

“When I fly out to Cancun I like to struggle my way through an Andy McNab.

“He sensibly limits the vocabulary to an Alsatian-friendly 800 words, plus his books include technical descriptions of what depleted-uranium bullets do to the human body, and don’t have any bloody women in them.

“I read one every year, and actually it’s not that bad. I always think I might read another but then I go home and, thank God, the telly’s on.”