Life-changing albums downgraded to day-changing

THE unlimited availability of free music means that an album will not change how you see the world for more than a day.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that falling musical attention spans meant that even the most remarkable records are a bit stale after 24 hours.

26-year-old music fan Nikki Hollis said: “Hearing The Queen is Dead for the first time, I didn’t feel alone in the world any more. I connected with it on a profound level.

“Anyway that was yesterday. I might listen to it for a second time at some point but I’ve got to crack through Spotify like the pop cultural equivalent of a a machete-wielding jungle explorer.

“It’s not how much you invest in a thing, it’s how many things you invest in.”

iTunes user Bill McKay said: “I’m so deluged with music I can’t tell whether I prefer Revolver, Purple Rain or the jingle.

“Also I really like the jangly guitar music used to promote touch screen technology with a mid-range price point.

“I guess I feel the same about all music. My iTunes playlist is longer than War and Peace – I’ve barely got time to listen to this stuff, leave alone think about it.”

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Friendly neighbours wasting their time

EVERYONE just wants to avoid their neighbours, it has been confirmed.

As a report finds that 60% of people actively dislike the people next door, it has emerged that owning property adjacent to another person’s property is not a basis for friendship.

Homeowner Julian Cook said: “From the thousands of people I’ve met in my life, I have maybe eight proper friends.

“Thus, the probability of someone I actually like moving in next door is pretty slim.

“So neighbours, stop inviting me to your barbecues, I find them mentally and physically tiring.”