Charity fundraiser really raising awareness of himself

A MAN doing a challenge for charity has really raised people’s awareness of how excellent he is.

Nathan Muir has been making everyone he knows aware of the plight of amazing guys doing a short sponsored bike ride.

Sales manager Muir said: “I’ve told my 642 friends on Facebook and 258 followers on Twitter. If I can just get a few more I’ll have hit my target of 1,000 people knowing I’m great.

“I’ve also been raising awareness in the office for the last three months so everyone knows I’m training twice a week and how humbling it is to help people in need.

“I think it’s people. It might be dolphins. No, I’m pretty sure it’s Africans. Or children. I’ll check on the website.

“A few people I know aren’t on social media, like Liz at the newsagent’s, so I’ll go in and tell her in person. It’s a bit of a pain, but you’ve got to think of the Africans, children or dolphins.

“The main thing is it’s for a good cause. Would you like to donate? It’s no problem if you don’t, just so long as you know I’m doing it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Wetherspoons guide to manners and etiquette

RECENTLY a Wetherspoons refused to serve two homeless men. So how can you make sure you are not turned away from this elite drinking establishment? Read our guide.

Have perfect table manners

Your fork should be held in your left hand like a spoon to shovel up your full English, while your right hand should be used to hold your pint. Anything else is simply unacceptable.

Be courteous to ladies

A gentleman always asks a lady if she wants some crisps. Also be sure to pay her regular compliments about her appearance, eg. “You have the most exquisite tits, Kelly-Marie.”

If you should be so lucky as to ‘pull’ a lovely Spoons enchantress, do the chivalrous thing and buy her an extra large doner with everything.

Consider whether your conversation is appropriate

It is bad form to hold forth on topics that may offend the sensibilities of others. Subjects to avoid include: Brexit not being excellent; Britain having an acceptable number of immigrants; why Nigel Farage cannot automatically be prime minister.

Observe the dress code

Ensure your tracksuit is starched and from a respected tailor such as Sports Direct, not a fake brand off the market called ‘Adridas’ which may set you ablaze when you savour a fine cigar or roll-up.

For ladies: Retain your feminine mystique by allowing no more than 25% of your be-thonged arse to be exposed by your jogging bottoms.

Be polite at all times

Coarse language is not tolerated in Wetherspoons. Do not say “Fuck off, d’you want to take this outside?”. Instead say: “May we perambulate, sir, to a suitable arena for a pugilistic exchange?”