Cheap oil to create stinking, cancerous, gridlocked utopia

THE plummeting oil price will create a perfect world of traffic jams and a foul-smelling greyish-green fog.

As the price fell towards $50 a barrel, experts said the conditions are now in place for a car-filled utopia that will definitely give you cancer.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Cars are a sign that everything is great so the more cars there are the better everything is. It’s basic economics.

“Yes, you will have to park on your roof, but I think that sounds really futuristic and cool.”

He added: “The fumes will only be a problem because of the tumours. But remember, all this oil that we’re setting fire to is really cheap.

“Plus, I spoke to some bloke and apparently we’re about two weeks away from curing cancer, so fuck it.

“And before you ask, the climate thing is fine because every single one of those scientists is a Marxist pervert.”

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Sad, politicised 0p recipes for Christmas

DISMAL festive recipes that you will never make, with the emphasis on low cost, political cant and pervasive gloom.

Teary Hair (left wing)

Ingredients –

Hair (0p)

Tears (0p)

Instructions –

Tear out clumps of your hair in frustration that the bastard Tories stopped your benny.

Put the hair in a chipped, dirty little bowl that you found on the street.

Cry into the bowl, because you are sad and poor, like everyone living under capitalism.

Cry, cry for hours.

Stir the hair and tears together with your thin malnourished finger.

Eat the resulting teary hair.

Warm Hand (right wing)

Ingredients –

Hand (0p)

Instructions –

Its common sense really. Cant anyone do anything for themselves these days? For Christs sake.

Remove any excess hair from your hand. Make sure to do it properly, not all slapdash like foreigners and the young.

Turn on an oven ring while feeling angry about the lack of grammar schools and, for that matter, proper grammar. Especially apostrophes.

Place hand on oven ring until it starts to smell a bit like bacon.

Remove hand from oven ring.

Leave hand to cool and then eat, feeling pleased with your own canny self-sufficiency – that bulldog quality which saw Britain through two World Wars.

Go to hospital.

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