Cheese is dark lord of the fridge

THE other foods in your fridge are all scared of the cheese, it has emerged.

The dairy product rules over the refridgerator with an iron fist, inspiring great fear for its mystical quality of being stale and yet not stale.

Block of cheddar Tom Logan said: “Whatever happens in this fridge goes through me first. No questions, no dicking around.”

Tomato Mary Fisher said: “As soon as I arrived it was made clear to me that I would be inhabiting the lower shelves and that if I had any problem with that I should take it up with the cheese.

“I don’t have a problem with that.”

She added: “The cheese can be cruel but ultimately it has this aura of slightly unhygienic toughness about it that makes it a natural leader. You could turn to it in the event of a power cut and it would know what to do.”

Lettuce Roy Hobbs said: “Cheese is just so solid. It’s pure brutality, combining an imposing physical presence with massive potential for indigestion.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Wild, free-spirited festival lets you do anything except bring in beer

A MUSIC festival has invited punters to do whatever they like except bring in their own alcohol.

The Freedom Valley festival features 52 live acts, 78 DJs and 126 bar areas.

A spokesman said: “We want you to be wild and free, to dress outrageously and do whatever crazy primal things you care to think of, as long as you don’t bring in any alcohol.

“Because we will take it off you.”

Ticketholders were reminded that a condition of being wild and free is that they submit to extensive security searches including sniffer dogs, backpack checks and having someone with a torch look through their car boot.

The spokesman said: “This is going to be one crazy weekend – our event is inspired by the pagan orgies of the ancient past, when England was still the mystical and lawless land of Albion.

“Interestingly, historical records show that revellers could not bring their own booze to orgies because this would offend the gods or, as they are known today, shareholders.

“But apart from not bringing in any beer you can dance like a banshee to Gogol Bordello and do exactly whatever you want, except pitching your tent wherever there is a red flag, or going in the VIP area or the banqueting tent without a special wristband.

“And you have to fuck off by 11am Monday because the organiser wants their ancestral home back.”