Milistone thrown open to vandals

ED Miliband’s pledge tablet has been made available to anyone wanting to try their hand at obscene graffiti.

The so-called ‘Milistone’ has already been daubed with numerous penis drawings and slogans including ‘Milibellend’ and ‘a f**k-up of BIBLICAL proportions’.

David Cameron said: “Despite utterly crushing him in the election, I want to graciously acknowledge Ed’s lasting contribution to British politics by displaying the Milistone in the park opposite his house and inviting interested parties to draw cocks on it.

“You can write whatever, there are no boundaries. Be as dark as you like.”

Michael Gove has already decorated the tablet with smug, self-conscious Latin obscenities, while members of the public have opted for more generic phrases including ‘tits are lush’ and ‘Martin is a bender’.

Labour peer Peter Mandelson said: “If Ed had spent less time messing about with plinths and more time being an arsehole, he’d be prime minister right now.”

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Nigel Farage exiled to Island of Failed Nigels

NIGEL Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP and shipped to the island where all Nigels meet their end.

The politician is the latest Nigel who has attempted to rise above the limitations of the name and failed spectacularly.

Speaking at Holyhead docks, he said: “Like many a Nigel before me, I dared to dream.

“My whole life I’d been told – by my parents, by teachers, by officials of the Nigel Limitation Authority – that rising to any position higher than accounts executive for a Northampton decorating firm would see me crash and burn.

“I defied them. I thought I was the Nigel that could break the mould. But I am, after all, just a Nigel like all the others.”

Farage will be welcomed to the island by economy-busting chancellor Nigel Lawson, ever-beaten chess player Nigel Short, Simon Cowell prototype Nigel Lythgoe and tiny smoothie Nigel Havers, all of whom will reassure him that mediocrity is the only law in his new home.

Sheffield United manager Nigel Clough said: “If only Farage had recognised his inescapable Nigelness, he could have been a perfectly serviceable one-term Tory MP for Hampshire North-East.

“I’ll join him on the island soon enough, once I’ve taken the team to another FA Cup semi-final. Once I’ve bumped my head against the glass ceiling of being Nigel one last time.”