Little sod demands entire WHSmith stationery section for new school term

A CHILD has told his parents they have to buy him the whole WHSmith stationery section or he will call social services.

Seven-year-old Tom Logan informed his mum and dad that without a vast amount of school supplies for the new term he will fail in life and they will be criminally negligent.

Logan said: “Everyone knows kids judge each other on the contents of their pencil cases. Last year I had to subsist on just £20 of stationery. That’s the kind of neglect and deprivation you’d expect in an NSPCC ad.

“I’d prefer not to blackmail Mum and Dad but it’s got to be done. Without loads of stationery I’m nothing, nobody. But with 15 rollerballs and a protractor set in a tin I’m a big swinging dick.”

Logan and his weary parents finally emerged from WHSmith with more than 120 items including a giant ruler and a scientific calculator more suited to a PhD maths student. 

Mum Sarah Logan said: “The stationery cost us a f*cking fortune plus a taxi to get it home. We’re taking it out of the little sh*t’s future house deposit.”

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Couple inviting people to wedding evening do admit they're just padding

A COUPLE inviting people to only the evening bit of their wedding have revealed they just want the place to look busy.

Nikki Hollis and Martin Bishop have asked people they actually give a sh*t about to join them for the whole day, but made a separate list of people to fill up the dance floor later.

Hollis said: “There’ll be a natural drop in attendance throughout the day as the old codgers get tired and go home, but we don’t want the evening reception to look thin in the pictures so we’ve invited a load of also-rans to make up the numbers.

“There’ll be a few people I haven’t spoken to for years who are surprised to get an invite, but they’ll think I’m trying to reignite our friendship and be flattered enough to come. 

“I’m not, of course. I’ll go back to ignoring their Facebook messages the moment my honeymoon begins.”

Evening invitee Emma Bradford said: “I’ve always hated Nikki but I’m happy to get p*ssed for free and make a total embarrassment of myself dancing to ‘Oops Upside Your Head’ before throwing up on the dance floor.

“That’ll teach her.”