How are you using your phone to ruin nights out?

OVERUSING your phone can ruin an evening, unless all your mates are tw*ts who only want to obsessively check their emails too. Here’s how make a sociable night totally pointless.

Secretly film people

Secretly film everyone the moment they get drunk so you can post it on social media. It’s like being a spy – a spy who is a massive tw*t and on a secret mission to be the most irritating b*stard of all time.

Take endless photos

People like nothing more than spending most of the night with a forced grin on their faces as you take photos every four minutes. Aim to disrupt every interesting conversation as you duplicate the other 15,286 near-identical pub photos you’ve taken.

Google the answer to every unknown

Looking up a disputed fact is fine. What is not is failing to remember what year A-ha’s ‘Take On Me’ was released then dragging everyone into a mindless YouTube hole so that by 11.20pm it’s time to go home and you’ve wasted an entire evening making everyone watch a tiny TV.

Leave your phone bleeping in the middle of table

If you’re not one of those people who’s always on your phone, try being the other kind of prick who keeps it on the table bleeping like a life support machine. 

Making everyone play FaceApp

Hijack the group into playing FaceApp whereby they think they’re having fun but they’re really just trapped in a sh*t hall of mirrors laughing hollowly at their own faces. 

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All the A-levels bullsh*t you need in one article

IT’S A-level results time again, so prepare for an onslaught of overexcited teenagers and tedious advice. Or just read this article and save yourself loads of time.

What to do if you’ve f*cked up

The media is full of advice for students who didn’t get the grades for their university of choice, but it boils down to this: go somewhere sh*t or get a job in Asda and reapply next year. Toss a coin for it.

Leaping girls

Photographers cannot resist this awful, awful cliche. Save time by just typing ‘leaping girls’ into Google images and view those, or if perving over young women is your intention, man up and look at some porn.

Get a newspaper columnist’s random opinion about A-levels

These are hard to avoid, so here are three drivelling opinions you can absorb in seconds then go and do something more interesting:

Daily Telegraph: ‘Exams these days count for nothing. Snowflakes. Millennials. World War 2.’

Guardian: ‘Are cis-gendered exam questions failing LGBT students?’

Daily Mail ‘Femail’ section: ‘My son is leaving for university and my purpose as a human being is over.’

Read about a sickening overachiever

There’s always a middle class brainiac who’s been groomed for Oxbridge since birth. Here’s a condensed version: “Hilly Montague-Jones, 18, has nine A*s and will study law, medicine and English at St Templar’s College, Oxford before becoming incredibly successful. She is fit as well. The end.”

Endure a moron’s views on university

Rather than listen to Uncle Gary drone on witlessly, simply read aloud this moronic comment: “A degree in Gay Studies won’t get you very far in the real world, mate.”