Child to be sewn into new school jumper

PARENTS of a child known for losing school clothing have decided to have him permanently sewn into his new school jumper.

Nine-year-old Joshua Hudson has proved himself so incapable of holding onto his expensive uniform that his mum and dad have elected to make it non-removable.

Martin Hudson said: “He just isn’t capable of bringing his jumper home with him. We’ll be out at all hours, trawling playing fields, corner shops and local quarries. It’s the most valuable thing we own, apart from the car.

“The few times he thinks he does have it safely in his bag, it turns out to be something that is obviously not a school jumper, like some girl’s jacket or a bin liner.

“So he’ll wear it all the time now, every day, like a cartoon character. Yes, he’ll have to wear it in the bath but we’ll give him a run around outside afterwards and he’ll be dry in no time.”

Sophie Hudson said: “If anyone thinks we’re being unreasonable, tell them to find out how f**king much a new school uniform costs. Then come and talk to me about ‘unreasonable’.”

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Treading on a slug barefoot and other hideous encounters with nature

NATURE is truly beautiful, until one of these nightmares happens that makes you involuntarily retch:

Treading on a slug in your bare feet

It’s wonderful to step outside barefoot in the cooling rain on a summer’s evening, but you’re the wet also brings out horrible, slimy creatures. Your sense of being at one with the natural world will vanish in an instant when a bastard slug bursts and squelches up between your toes.

Walking face first into a spider’s web

Why do spiders make their webs at face height? Because they’re vindictive little shits who love nothing more than seeing your terror-stricken reaction as you blunder into their handiwork. And aside from their joy at your terror, they chortle as their devil’s candyfloss silk will never come off your shirt.

Rescuing something the cat brought in

Cats act suspiciously all the time, but if you notice yours is particularly shifty it’s because it has caught a tiny mouse, released it into the house and is now terrorising it for fun. By the time you manage to capture it to return it to the wild, the mouse is a mangled mess of fur, bones and teeny vital organs. It will not live.

Going over a snail with the lawnmower

No warning, just a split second between hearing the shell shatter and having its goo-infested contents fly up and hit you in the face. Just pray your mouth is closed at the time otherwise you’ll end up swallowing half of it, which will be vile even if you did once order escargot in Brittany.

Anything whatsoever involving earwigs

Any creature with a pair of pliers for an arse will make your stomach turn and rightly so. If you find one running up your arm it will take every ounce of self-control not to vomit in the shrubbery, and you’ll spend the rest of the evening petrified that the reason they’re called earwigs is because they like to crawl in through your ears and lay eggs in your brain.