Children called Arya and Khaleesi now at secondary school

CHILDREN named after characters from Game of Thrones are now old enough to be in secondary school, their teachers have confirmed. 

The children, whose fault it is technically not, are now attending comprehensives and being treated as if their names are perfectly normal by their peers.

Teacher Joanna Kramer said: “I’ve had two Khaleesis, a Joffrey and a Sansa already. And it’s just beginning.

“By 2028 every third name will be from Game of Thrones. We’re only months away from seeing Cersei 4 Tyrion carved into a desk. And of course none of them have actually seen it because it’s boring old people shit.

“A Daenerys – though not spelt like that, not spelt anything even close to that – asked me what it was about. I said it was essentially musical chairs but with dragons. She seemed happy with that.”

Headteacher Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s always like this. The most glamorous names get given to the most ordinary children. I was in classes with an Alexis and a Fallon and they’ve both ended up working in a chicken-gutting plant.

“I regret these Aryas will have to resit their GCSE maths if they want to get a diploma in nail art, and those Khaleesis look like they’ll be suspended for smoking weed.”

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Sunak planning to stage dive into mosh pit

THE prime minister is planning to turn his term of office around by stage-diving into the heaving mosh pit at the Tory party conference.

Sunak plans to whip the crowd into a frenzy by leading a chant about how great cars are before flinging himself into the wild front rows where the ERG slamdance before surfing on their adoring hands.

The prime minister said: “If Theresa May can dance onto the stage – and God damn did she look hot – I can go one better.

“Maths nerd? Maybe, but I’m also a man who’s wild for deregulation and the creation of freeports, and I’m proving it by leaping into the rowdiest audience on the circuit.

“I’ve dreamed of it ever since I was a kid, watching William Hague out of his mind on sovereign monetary policy, climbing the speaker stacks bare-chested and hurling himself into the crowd. Thatcher leading her wall of death at Blackpool 1981 got me into politics.

“I’m not kidding myself about the risks though. There’s bound to be a bottle of piss thrown at me by a disgruntled backbencher and digital anal penetration will occur, but it’s all in fun.

“Pretty confident all my loyal MPs will rush to catch me and I won’t plunge alone onto the merciless concrete. Pretty confident.”