THE band U2 have been securely contained in a high-technology sphere in the desert, scientists have confirmed.
U2, who have been blighting the world for decades, are sealed within a 875,000 square foot sphere completely lined with screens simulating their natural stadium concert environment.
The sphere is currently situated above ground near an old atomic testing site but will soon be allowed to sink into the earth, burying the band for an estimated 180 million years.
Project leader Dr Denys Finch Hatton, who hopes to be remembered as a 21st-century Oppenheimer, said: “It’s done. They’re gone. Just a legend to frighten children.
“Key to the project was the pacification of U2. Most bands settle for diminishing returns and afternoon slots at festivals, but they still believed they were immensely popular, even after everything.
“The sphere lets us simulate their expected environment of total adulation. Each night they play a gig to thousands of adoring digital fans. Each day Bono lunches with the Dalai Lama, the Pope, Bill Clinton and Queen Rania of Jordan. They are trapped in their own dreams.
“Finally we are free from them. Unless there’s an earthquake in 200 years and they’re released to ravage a world completely unprepared for their shitness.”