U2 safely contained in sphere

THE band U2 have been securely contained in a high-technology sphere in the desert, scientists have confirmed. 

U2, who have been blighting the world for decades, are sealed within a 875,000 square foot sphere completely lined with screens simulating their natural stadium concert environment.

The sphere is currently situated above ground near an old atomic testing site but will soon be allowed to sink into the earth, burying the band for an estimated 180 million years.

Project leader Dr Denys Finch Hatton, who hopes to be remembered as a 21st-century Oppenheimer, said: “It’s done. They’re gone. Just a legend to frighten children.

“Key to the project was the pacification of U2. Most bands settle for diminishing returns and afternoon slots at festivals, but they still believed they were immensely popular, even after everything.

“The sphere lets us simulate their expected environment of total adulation. Each night they play a gig to thousands of adoring digital fans. Each day Bono lunches with the Dalai Lama, the Pope, Bill Clinton and Queen Rania of Jordan. They are trapped in their own dreams.

“Finally we are free from them. Unless there’s an earthquake in 200 years and they’re released to ravage a world completely unprepared for their shitness.”

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'Give us £96 billion or we fill your water with shit' not blackmail, water companies explain

BRITAIN’S water suppliers have explained their request for £96 billion to stop pumping shit into waterways is entirely legal and legitimate. 

The overseas-owned businesses announced that unless they received the sum the UK’s waterways would soon be choked with turds from mountain to beach, adding they did not consider that to be a threat but more of a warning.

A spokesman said: “With this money we’ll mend leaks, upgrade infrastructure, and stop discharging raw sewage into the sea. With our money? Oh, that’s gone.

“You’re able to stop paying us for water-related services at any time, that’s how the free market works. Whether you want to end potable water as an individual or a nation is up to you.

“But if you do want water – and I happen to think it’s pretty good stuff – then you’ll hand over the money. How do you know we’ll use it to fix everything? Trust us.

“Your kids like water, don’t they? Your wife, she’s fond of wild swimming I hear? And her parents live in Eastbourne, by the sea? Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Whenever you’re ready.”

Tom Logan of Leicester said: “I remember when they first privatised water. There were adverts for it all over the telly that we paid for.”