Woman breaking under entirely self-imposed work stress

A WOMAN is ready to crack under the weight of work-related stress entirely of her own making, it has emerged.

Project manager Nikki Hollis, who stays in the office until 8pm and sends emails until 3am, feels the never-ending whirlwind of perpetual panic she has created around herself is about to push her off the edge.

Colleague Tom Booker said: “Nikki never stops working. She also, I’ve noticed, achieves very little.

“I had a meeting she decided she needed to be in, but rather than a quick update we’ve got to repeat it with her in three weeks because that’s the next available slot in her diary.

“Then, even though she was right next to me, she sent a five-paragraph email reassigning the project as Amber in the bullet points for the board, then announced refresher training on bullet points led by her at lunchtimes. Then said ‘And I’ve not even started my emails.’

Helen Archer said: “I got three emails about the budget review while I was in the budget review. The first marked important and ending ‘please advise ASAP’. The second had exclamation marks in the title. The third was in caps and marked with a red flag. She may explode.”

Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t know how they expect me to cope with this. I’ll be in until 11pm tonight putting together a 62-page dossier about my stress for HR, with links.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

World facing mysterious shortage of 5ft 11in men

THERE are virtually no men who are five feet and eleven inches tall, research has discovered. 

Analysis of more than 100 million men, based on their dating profiles, discovered that only a handful of men are 5ft 11in while conversely around one-and-half times the expected number are six feet tall.

Nathan Muir, aged 34, said: “I am six feet tall and always have been. Don’t measure me. You’re not allowed to measure me. Fractions round up.

“Why would anyone be five foot eleven when they can be six foot? Not that it’s a choice of course, just a biological fact that I am lucky enough to be the beneficiary of.”

Joseph Turner or Colchester agreed: “It’s not that I have a suspiciously high hairstyle, like Jedward. I actually am six feet tall. If I wasn’t, how would I be the same height as all these other men who also say they are six foot?

“If I were 5ft 11in I’d probably say I was shorter, because women all love short blokes like Tom Cruise and Timothee Chalamet. But I cannot say that. Because I am definitely six foot.”

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Science, said: “It’s quite the anomaly. But why would these men lie?”