The Tory's guide to hooking up with other Tories at conference

YOUNG Conservative? At conference for the first time? Up for a five-day bacchanelia of sex, drugs, and chanting ‘Growth Queen’ at Liz Truss? Don’t do it alone: 

Network your way in

You see a promising candidate to lobby behind closed doors, but how to let them know you’re interested in a closer trading relationship, serving your honorable member or taking a seat on your non-departmental body? Open with a subject nobody could possibly disagree with, like the Trotskyite bias of Laura Kuenssberg, and you’re away.

Avoid the dancefloor

Tory discos are the enemy of romance. Thérèse Coffey slut-dropping to Forget About Dre is not conducive to rising lusts.

Do not be afraid of U-turns

The married MP you’re flirting with might have pledged to be in a committed monogamous relationship, but don’t let that stop you. As Conservatives, we are always willing to lie.

Establish your role

Not only is everyone here not physically repulsed by your politics, they’re all on your wavelength sexually. Which means dom and sub S&M relationships throughout conference, from the part-time waiter to the Tory grandee. Be emphatic about who’s wearing the ball gag in this coupling straight away.

Take precautions

Just because Boris isn’t here doesn’t mean you’re safe. Contraception is your responsibility and yours alone, unless you’re a man.

Explore kink

Get in touch with your wild side by visiting one of the conference’s many fringe events. From a gimp-suited Rees Mogg playing human golf to Priti Patel trying to go further right than Suella Braverman, the really filthy shit is here.

Manage expectations

The furore around the cancellation of the HS2 extension to Manchester should make one thing clear: never make promises. ‘I refuse to speculate on the speculation that I have gone off in my trousers while we were snogging in the lift’ is the Sunak way.

What happens at conference stays at conference

The public aren’t paying any attention. They’re voting you out next year.

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Lotus Biscoff finally gets around to launching lube line

FORMER biscuit manufacturer Lotus Biscoff has finally got around to launching a line of Lotus Biscoff-flavoured sexual lubricants.

The company, which once made a single product and now makes more than 230 million, has expanded into the lube market as the obvious next step in their all-encompassing plan.

Managing director Jan Achten said: “Slamming into each other with more force than natural lubricant can allow? Missing that Biscoff taste? No longer.

“Yes, now we’ve expanded into a spread, ice-cream, milkshakes, chocolate, cavity wall insulation, life insurance, cloud storage and shoe insoles we thought a lube was the way to go.

“There are three flavours: Lotus Biscoff, Lotus Biscoff Cream and Lotus Biscoff Original, which is the same as Lotus Biscoff. It’s silicone-based so you’ll feel every thrust, and so delicious it’s hard not to eat straight from the jar!

“Is this an odd trajectory for a business that used to be the biscuits you got with coffee? Yes, but once we changed our name from Speculoos and shed the gynaecological overtones, the sky was the limit.”

He added: “Methamphetamine? It’s Lotus Biscoff.”