YOUNG Conservative? At conference for the first time? Up for a five-day bacchanelia of sex, drugs, and chanting ‘Growth Queen’ at Liz Truss? Don’t do it alone:
Network your way in
You see a promising candidate to lobby behind closed doors, but how to let them know you’re interested in a closer trading relationship, serving your honorable member or taking a seat on your non-departmental body? Open with a subject nobody could possibly disagree with, like the Trotskyite bias of Laura Kuenssberg, and you’re away.
Avoid the dancefloor
Tory discos are the enemy of romance. Thérèse Coffey slut-dropping to Forget About Dre is not conducive to rising lusts.
Do not be afraid of U-turns
The married MP you’re flirting with might have pledged to be in a committed monogamous relationship, but don’t let that stop you. As Conservatives, we are always willing to lie.
Establish your role
Not only is everyone here not physically repulsed by your politics, they’re all on your wavelength sexually. Which means dom and sub S&M relationships throughout conference, from the part-time waiter to the Tory grandee. Be emphatic about who’s wearing the ball gag in this coupling straight away.
Just because Boris isn’t here doesn’t mean you’re safe. Contraception is your responsibility and yours alone, unless you’re a man.
Get in touch with your wild side by visiting one of the conference’s many fringe events. From a gimp-suited Rees Mogg playing human golf to Priti Patel trying to go further right than Suella Braverman, the really filthy shit is here.
The furore around the cancellation of the HS2 extension to Manchester should make one thing clear: never make promises. ‘I refuse to speculate on the speculation that I have gone off in my trousers while we were snogging in the lift’ is the Sunak way.
What happens at conference stays at conference
The public aren’t paying any attention. They’re voting you out next year.