Children evil

CHILDREN’S love of Halloween proves that they are innately evil, it has been claimed.

Youngsters are preparing to dress up and indulge their chillingly amoral selves in a night of sadism.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “As a society we idolise children, but it is arguable whether they are even human.

“In their hearts they are evil, which is why when they get their own special night of ‘fun’ they choose to spend it celebrating the occult, extorting goods from elderly spinsters and vandalising property.

“Halloween is proof, if any were needed, that all children should be put on an island until they are old enough to understand that dismembering animals is not a leisure activity.”

He added: “We think kids are cute but it’s just because they’re small. If they could look after themselves they’d kill every one of us today.”

Seven-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I like Halloween because it is scary and fun. My favourite monsters are witches.

“The old lady down the road is a witch. Her husband died of a heart attack, because she put a spell on him.

“Tonight we will get her. Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

“Now give me some sweets or I will harm you.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tablet computers 'under too much pressure to be thin'

TABLET computers have attacked their makers’ obsession with slender bodies.

Apple’s new iPad Air weighs a mere 469g, which many older tablets say is dangerously light.

Original iPad Mary Fisher said: “This deadly obsession with a narrow profile and light weight is fuelling fragility, as well as negative body image among older hardware.

“Users want a solid, natural-looking machine with plenty to grip onto.

“I’m not being bitchy but iPad Air looks like a big credit card. It’s just not sexy.”