Children naturally awful

CHILDREN are dreadful regardless of whether they have had sugar, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies monitored the behaviour of a group of under-10s before and after eating an immense bag of Haribo Star Mix.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They were little f**kers before eating the sweets and they were little fuckers after. Basically they’re little f**kers.

“The effect of sugar has long been exaggerated by parents keen to refute the obvious truth that their offspring are drooling, messy little psychopaths whose main goal is finding animals to harm.”

Seven-year-old Emma Bradford, who had not eaten anything sugary, said: “I hit Gerald in the face for no reason.”

Then she pointed to a table and asked “What’s that?” 28 times before deliberately running face first into a door and blaming someone else.

Professor Brubaker said: “Sugar does virtually nothing. I just had a cup of tea with four sugars in it and it’s not like I’ve done an E. Everything is normal.

“Clearly there are chemicals that would affect kids’ behaviour. Really strong sedatives that make them into docile zombies, devoid of the spark and spontaneity of youth. Some people see that as a bad thing, but those people can afford boarding school.”

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Travel rule exemption announced for middle-class families driving to National Trusts

MIDDLE class families visiting National Trust properties for their daily exercise are exempt from lockdown rules because it is deemed ‘essential travel’.

Since a clampdown on travel for exercise by the police, Britain’s middle classes have lived in fear that their vital trip to the land surrounding a country house could result in a fine.

Eleanor Johnson from Hampshire said: “I was starting to feel like we were being persecuted for valuing our nation’s great heritage of rich people building massive houses and hoarding land.

“A huge weight is off now I know I can bung the kids in the Volvo and head to some open, members-only space where it is guaranteed that we won’t bump into any ruffians or people on benefits.”

Lifetime member Martin Bishop commented: “Walking on land that requires a membership to access is a fundamental middle class right.

“I love fresh air, and nothing beats knowing that the government is accommodating my desire to drive twenty-five miles to breathe different, better air than the rest of the nation.”